IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people believe that mobile phones cause more harms than the benefits and that’s why mobile phones should be restricted? To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #phones #that’s
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the contemporary era, mobile
phones
 play a vital role in human lives in various ways especially, in communication.
However
, opponents believe that it may lead to more negative drawbacks than positive ones and it should be banned. As far as I am concerned, I strongly disagree with the fact that mobile
phones
 should be banned
due to
 their harmful.
To begin
 with, argue that mobile
phones
 facilitate communication and connectivity regardless of location and distance barriers. Nowadays, mobile
phones
 rapidly change because of technological advancements that turn simple mobile
phones
 into smartphones, which contain numerous functions and features to respond to user needs.
For example
, video calls, instant messages, and entertainment.
Furthermore
, it is an important and effective tool for people to access massive knowledge resources in terms of education, and
additionally
, a source of various entertainment
such
 as games, movies, and music.
On the other hand
, there are several negative effects of overuse and distraction on mobile
phones
. Especially, young age groups who use mobile
phones
 in the wrong ways, using mobile
phones
 for entertainment rather than learning may lead to emotional problems and intelligence which are the worst issues for parents.
In addition
, using mobile
phones
while
 driving may cause unpredictable accidents that lead to death.
Although
, mobile
phones
 provide not only advantages but
also
 disadvantages as well, to control mobile phone usage government and prevalent offices should promote regulations and campaigns about using mobile
phones
 to illustrate the pros and cons of overuse and distraction.
Submitted by pumin.t on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Logical Structure
Ensure that your essay has a clear logical structure. This includes establishing a clear position throughout the essay and maintaining paragraphing for each new idea. Avoid presenting a mix of arguments without clear connectors or transitions between them.
Introduction & Conclusion
For a higher score, the introduction and conclusion should be clearly distinguished and reiterate your main points effectively. The conclusion needs to echo the opinion provided in the introduction and summarize the key points discussed in the body paragraphs.
Supported Main Points
Your main points should be supported by relevant, detailed examples or evidence. General statements are less effective than examples that clearly relate to the arguments being made. Try to use studies, research, or personal experiences that reinforce your points.
Complete Response
It is important to extend and support ideas fully to meet task requirements. The essay should address all parts of the task with a balanced approach and include a relevant degree of explanation that provides a competent answer to the question.
Clear Comprehensive Ideas
To clearly express comprehensive ideas, make sure to develop your paragraphs properly. Each paragraph should contain one clear main idea or argument, followed by supporting details. Use varied language and sentence structures to convey your concepts.
Relevant Specific Examples
Incorporating a wider range of relevant specific examples strengthens the argument presented in the essay and shows the ability to apply abstract ideas in a concrete context. Make sure to link these examples directly to the question for higher efficiency in your response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ubiquitous
  • technological advancements
  • instantaneous communication
  • restrict
  • mitigate
  • nomophobia
  • digital literacy
  • etiquette
  • cybersecurity
  • overdependence
  • health implications
  • productivity
  • distraction
  • information overload
  • social isolation
What to do next:
Look at other essays: