IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Scientists recommend making it mandatory for children to learn how to play a musical instrument. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#scientists #children #instrument
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Nowadays, musical skills are growing day by day, it is manifested that teachers have to
learn
Verb problem
teach
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 teenagers about
music
Use synonyms
. Some
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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are believed
Wrong verb form
believe
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 that
music
Use synonyms
 is not mandatory for
children
Use synonyms
. I strongly believe that learning
a
Remove the article
music
a piece of music
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music
Use synonyms
 is
mandatory
Add an article
a mandatory
the mandatory
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 subject for
children
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. I will discuss my point in upcoming paragraphs.
Sometime
Replace the word
Sometimes
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, compulsory
music
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 can
creating
Verb problem
have
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negative
Add an article
a negative
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effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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for
Change preposition
on
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children
Use synonyms
. If they are not
intersted
Correct your spelling
interested
 in
music
Use synonyms
, they can try to void musical classes.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
finicial
Correct your spelling
financial
 limitations can become a part of growing
teenegars
Correct your spelling
teenagers
,
for example
Linking Words
,
chidren whoes
Correct your spelling
children who
 belong to
poor
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a poor
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 family,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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do not have enough money to
making
Change the form of the verb
make
show examples
 their future in
music
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Teachers
facing
Wrong verb form
face
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very
Correct article usage
a very
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 curriculum time when
music
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become
Change the verb form
becomes
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 a
manadatory
Correct your spelling
mandatory
 subject. Because they need
qulified teacheres
Correct your spelling
qualified teachers
, who can try to
convence
Correct your spelling
convince
 students
in
Change preposition
of
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 musical instruments.
Music
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 is
skill
Add an article
a skill
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 which
helpful
Add a missing verb
is helpful
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 in all parts for students. First and foremost, enhances brain development
such
Linking Words
 as language acquisition and
mathemical
Correct your spelling
mathematical
 skills.
For example
Linking Words
, some private child-care
clinic
Fix the agreement mistake
clinics
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 have a musical room which
Add a missing verb
is helful
show examples
helful
Correct your spelling
helpful
 for
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 who have
a mental problems
Correct the article-noun agreement
mental problems
a mental problem
show examples
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, musical instruments can assist
children
Use synonyms
 to know about cultural appreciation and
awarness
Correct your spelling
awareness
.
Music
Use synonyms
 education can become
Correct article usage
a
show examples
stress booster, for that can help
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 who feeling depression, negative
throghts
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thoughts
 and
lonley
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loneliness
 in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Music
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 can assist you
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 working in
group
Add an article
a group
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 , because
music
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 can serve as a universal language, fostering social cohesion and teamwork through group performances and ensembles. In
conculsion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, mandatory
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 can
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 negative
influencer
Fix the agreement mistake
influencers
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 for
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
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 do not have
interest
Correct article usage
an interest
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, but
music
Use synonyms
 is
really
Correct article usage
a really
show examples
 good
skills
Fix the agreement mistake
skill
show examples
 for
children
Use synonyms
 in their mental, physical, knowing culture and
groupworking
Correct your spelling
group
. I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that students have to get knowledge about
music
Use synonyms
, after they have to decide about their
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
.
Submitted by pateldhruv1497 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay lacks a well-structured introduction and conclusion. It is essential to clearly present your thesis statement at the beginning and to reiterate it in the conclusion to tie your arguments together. Moreover, avoid abrupt endings and ensure your conclusion summarizes the main points discussed in the body paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your main points need to be better supported and developed. Utilize specific examples and evidence to strengthen your argument. When presenting an idea, make sure to provide adequate explanation and detail to fully convey your reasoning. This will enhance the strength of your arguments and provide clarity to the reader.
Task Achievement
While your essay addresses the prompt, it falls short on delivering a complete response. Consider extending your discussion to cover a broader range of aspects related to the importance of learning musical instruments. Aim to engage with the task more fully by considering different perspectives and implications of the topic.
Task Achievement
Clarity and comprehensiveness need to be improved. Work on the clarity of your ideas by expressing them in a straightforward and understandable manner. Avoid ambiguities and strive to fully develop and explain your points for a comprehensive argument.
Task Achievement
The use of relevant and specific examples is necessary to substantiate your claims. Add more depth to your essay by integrating particular instances or research studies that support your viewpoint. This will provide tangible evidence for your assertions and make your essay more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • mandatory
  • musical instrument
  • brain development
  • language acquisition
  • mathematical skills
  • foster
  • discipline
  • perseverance
  • cultural appreciation
  • emotional expression
  • practical constraints
  • financial limitations
  • elective
  • social cohesion
  • ensemble
  • brain plasticity
  • curriculum
  • negative association
  • passion for music
  • talent cultivation
What to do next:
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