IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In the future, the main reason for going to shopping mall will be for entertainment, not to shop. do you agree or disagree?

#future #reason #mall #entertainment #shop
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A
mall
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 is a place to go when
people
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 want to shop for something or are in need of entertainment.
However
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, the increasing preference for online shopping shows the possibility that it will surpass offline shopping because of the price differences and the
store
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 varieties. Because of that, I believe that in the future
people
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 will go to the
mall
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 just for entertainment only.
To begin
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, in-
store
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prices
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 are higher than online shops because of several reasons. They have to pay monthly tenant rent to the
mall
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 and pay the workers who are taking care of the
store
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. These lead to a higher total production cost which will affect the
prices
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.
On the contrary
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, online businesses do not have to worry about rent and numerous workers' income,
therefore
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 explaining the lower
prices
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.
For instance
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, the average clothing price in the
mall
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 is IDR 300.000
while
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 online customers can buy it for half of the price.
Secondly
Linking Words
, buying something on the internet means that
people
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 will get a lot of variety. Unlike malls that only have limited spots for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tenants, online shopping does not have that boundary.
People
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 can jump from one
store
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 to another without worrying if the
store
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 is available in the area or not. Take e-commerce as an example,
people
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 can purchase various things,
starting from
Verb problem
including
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 electronic appliances, clothing, basic necessities, etc. In conclusion, shopping in a
mall
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 is less preferred now because of the higher
prices
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 and lack of variety. It is possible that
people
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 will go to the
mall
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 just to seek entertainment rather than shopping in the future
due to
Linking Words
 the advancing digital world.
Submitted by ieltswriting91 on

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introduction conclusion present
Your essay should have a clear introduction stating your position, followed by two or three body paragraphs each with a central idea supported by examples or explanations, and a conclusion to summarize your opinion or findings. Ensure that your introduction and conclusion are present and perform their functions effectively.
logical structure
The logical flow of ideas is essential. Please ensure that all paragraphs are well-organized, developing ideas in a logical sequence with consistent use of linking words. Give attention to paragraphing and transitioning between ideas to enhance logical coherence.
supported main points
Main points should be adequately developed with explanations and details. It appears you've made attempts to support your ideas, but the support could be more specific and thorough. Expand on your examples and explanations to enrich the content of your essay.
complete response
While you have addressed the prompt, your response lacks a clear progression of ideas. Work on providing a comprehensive argument with a cohesive opinion throughout the essay. Your conclusion should also reflect back on the arguments presented.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are on topic, but they need further development for clarity and depth. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea that is well-explained and supported with specific examples or evidence.
relevant specific examples
You've used some relevant examples, but including more specific and varied examples could strengthen your essay. Ensure your examples are directly related to the arguments you're making and are detailed enough to support your points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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