IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers instead of benefitting them individually. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #purpose #schools #children #citizens #workers
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is
belief
Add an article
the belief
a belief
show examples
 that says "The main purpose of
schools
 is to turn children into good
citizens
 and workers
instead
 of benefitting them individually". I mostly agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 statement. A
school
teachs
Correct your spelling
teaches
teacher
 not only an academic lesson but
also
 a social lesson to correct
students
' conduct.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 almost all
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 have similar lessons, so
students
 will grow up to be
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 good adults. But maybe there are some places that are not similar to others. First of all, In every
school
, they teach general academic subjects
such
 as
Math
, Science, English
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc.
In addition
 to these subjects, there are lessons
intented
Correct your spelling
intended
 to make the
students
 become responsible
citizens
 of the society.
For example
, social studies or law studies
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
teach
students
 what they should and should not do. And that they will
recieve
Correct your spelling
receive
 punishment if they do something wrong.
Also
, when
students
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 their time in
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
, they will learn how to behave and interact with each other.
School
disciplinary
Replace the word
discipline
show examples
 is
also
 the way to guide children to the good path.
Furthermore
,
because
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
every
school
 have the same
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
 for the graduated
students
. Their curriculums tend to be the same. And that has a negative effect on the student. Because everyone has his own talent. Teaching
students
 the same thing doesn't mean that
thay
Correct your spelling
they
 will get equal
score
Fix the agreement mistake
scores
show examples
. To illustrate, when someone who's good at drawing and someone who's good at
Math
 study Algebra together, he who excels at
Math
 will do better. But, does
this
 mean that
students
 who get bad grades are bad
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
? No, they may be bad at
Math
 but they have something they
good
Add a missing verb
are good
show examples
 at too. Unfortunately
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
their capabilities have to be measured with
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
only
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 standard.
However
, some
schools
 may not be like the others. There are a few
schools
 whose intent
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not just to bring up their student to be good people but
encourage
Fix the infinitive
to encourage
show examples
 them to be the best version of themself. These
schools
 still have the same
requirement
Fix the agreement mistake
requirements
show examples
 for their
students
 to meet. but they support things that are not in the requirement too. To give examples, some
schools
 permit
students
 to join clubs of their interests after studying periods,
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 art club, music club and sports club.
Furthermore
, these
schools
Change noun form
school's
schools'
show examples
curriculum
Fix the agreement mistake
curricula
show examples
 may not
limit
Wrong verb form
be limited
show examples
 to just science
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
 and social studies
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
. They have
other
Change the wording
another course
other courses
show examples
course
 like literature, management and art
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
 too. To sum it up, every
school
 have similar ways of teaching and preparing their
students
 to become good
citizens
 and workers of the societies. Yet, they teach the same things to every
students
Change to a singular noun
student
show examples
, despite the fact that everyone is unique and has his own way of learning.
Therefore
, you could say that
this
 way of teaching doesn't benefit their
students
 individually. That's why
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 agree with
this
 statement.
However
, there might be some
schools
 that do it differently.
While
 keeping the standards like other
schools
, they support their
students
 individually too.
For their
Change preposition
Their
show examples
intentions
Fix the agreement mistake
intention
show examples
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
students
 will grow up not only to be good
citizens
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 to be themself that they dream of.
Submitted by Ze.Nin3.R0 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay has a clear introductory paragraph that sets up the argument, followed by coherent paragraphs with clear topic sentences. The conclusion should succinctly summarize the arguments made.
task achievement
Develop each point with detailed explanations and relevant examples. Ensure there is a clear position throughout the response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: