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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

All parents want the best opportunities for their children. There are some people who think that school should teach children skills, but others think having a range of subjects is better for a children’s future. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#parents #opportunities #children #people #school #skills #range #subjects #children’s #future
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In today’s world, everyone wants to make their
children
 successful. But they have a variety of choices for their future. One group of individuals wants their
children
 to learn the skills for their
further
Correct word choice
future
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 life. But others think that colleges should give a wide range of subjects to earn knowledge for their future. In
this
 essay, I would like to give my point of view on both issues and in the end, I will write my own opinion on the given heading. To elaborate
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 thoughts of the first category, parents think that learning skills are better than wasting the earlier years of their kids
in
Change preposition
apply
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reading heavy books.
Moreover
, they think that having money is everything.
Therefore
, in the age of playing with toys, they put their
children
 in the class of adults so that they can earn a better life for them soon. I have so many examples in front of me to discuss here, as we can see that most
of
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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Asian
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Asians
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 doesn’t have degrees and they started work
in
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at
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their
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an
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 early
ages
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age
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. I will consider it
as
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apply
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child
labor
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labour
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.
Furthermore
, another set of adults wants to send their
children
 to school. They think that earning knowledge is more important than finding jobs in
teenage
Correct your spelling
teenagers
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. They want to make them professionals in their old age. And a good profession demands studying advanced research and theories.
For instance
, there are many good courses and degrees which make doctors, engineers, teachers and many more. All of these are very crucial for the development of a country. I wanted to say here,
begetter
Correct word choice
that begetter
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 should focus on the
children
’s abilities and their
IQ’s
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IQ
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 level. And
then
 they should decide what can be easy for their
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
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 in upcoming years, either to get a work skill in their childhood
instead
 of reading books or they should choose a better respectful profession, which they can get with good grades in their academic record. In conclusion, I want to discuss here an old saying ‘
if
Capitalize word
If
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 you compare the monkeys and the fishes for climbing a tree, you are a fool’. So, the sire should know first what their littles want to be
,
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apply
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 and
then
do
Verb problem
take
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actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
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 on their
wills
Fix the agreement mistake
will
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.
Submitted by araibbutt93 on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat lacking coherence. While there is a discernible introductory statement and conclusion, the progression of ideas between paragraphs is not seamless. The introduction and conclusion are unmistakable, but main points within paragraphs are not fully developed or transitioned smoothly. To improve, use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and ensure that each subsequent sentence in the paragraph directly supports that topic sentence.
task achievement
The essay does attempt to address the task by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the skills or range of subjects in education. However, the response could be more comprehensive. Ideas presented are not fully clear and lack depth. You should clarify and develop each main point within its own paragraph, ensuring that all points are directly related to the question prompt. Make sure each idea is supported by evidence or examples, and that they directly contribute to the overall argument of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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