IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the table below shows the participation of people over 15 in selected sports and physical recreation activities by gender in Westview during theperiod 2018-19

the table below shows the participation of people over 15 in selected sports and physical recreation activities by gender in Westview during theperiod 2018-19
The given graph examines
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the physical activity which people of Australia did in 2010 divided by
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
genders
Fix the agreement mistake
gender
show examples
 and
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
. The information above elaborates
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
fluctuative
Correct your spelling
fluctuating
 numbers in percentage. It is obvious to see that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
male teenagers and young adults
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are in their 15-24
likely
Add a missing verb
are likely
show examples
 to do a routine activity.
This
Linking Words
 shows by how 52.8% of
number
Add an article
the number
show examples
in contrast
Linking Words
 with
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 where there was only 47.7% of
Use synonyms
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 in that certain age.
However
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
there was a decrease as soon as the male
population
Use synonyms
get
Wrong verb form
got
show examples
 older.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon started in
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
of age
Change preposition
aged
show examples
 25-34 where it was only
showed
Verb problem
apply
show examples
42.2%
individuals
Change preposition
of individuals
show examples
 likely to do a regular activity, followed
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the lowest number in the chart which was only 39.5%
males
Change preposition
of males
show examples
 who are in their 35-44.
However
Linking Words
, there was a slight increase in the following ages where male adults (45-54) until
elderies
Correct your spelling
older
 (65 and over)
likely
Add a missing verb
were likely
show examples
 to do more activities.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
population
Use synonyms
immedietly
Correct your spelling
immediately
 showed a huge decrease
nearly
Change preposition
of nearly
show examples
 10% of
Use synonyms
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 from 52,2% to 42,2% of females in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of enjoying
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
followed
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 39,5% as the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 in the
overall
Linking Words
 chart. More than that, the upward trend was a bit late
where
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 the increase started to show in the older generation like in
mens
Correct your spelling
men
'.
This
Linking Words
 shows that
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 group between 45 to 65 and older tend to be more productive than the younger generation.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words population with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 5 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: