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Band 5.5

With the increasing demand for energy sources of oil and gas, peoples should look for sources of oil and gas in remote and untouched natural places. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages of damaging such areas？

#demand #energy #sources #oil #gas #peoples #places #areas？
Oil
 and
gas
 have been the primary energy
sources
 of human life and they are used to support our activities. Many companies are starting to find new
sources
 of
oil
 and
gas
 in remote and untouched
areas
due to
 the decline of these
sources
. I agree that
this
 method has
serve
Change the verb form
served
show examples
 many disadvantages for the future, especially in
environmental
Correct article usage
the environmental
show examples
 and social sectors.
This
 essay explains my take and reasons for
this
 issue. First of all, building
oil
 and
gas
 factories in remote and natural
places
 will threaten the ecosystem in that particular place. It is well known that remote and natural
areas
 have their own ecosystem between living things
such
 as animals and plants, and unliving materials
such
 as rocks and dirt. Building new
areas
 to find
oil
 and
gas
 will disrupt the ecosystem, causing disturbances
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the food chain that will lead to an imbalance between species.
In addition
, many animals will lose their food
sources
 and
places
 to live, leading them to extinction.
Second,
this
 activity will
also
 create disruptions in certain societies that live in rural and remote
places
. In East Indonesia, Many ethnicities are scattered across the East jungle, where they depend on the forest to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their daily needs. Ruining the natural
areas
 to find new
sources
 of
oil
 and
gas
 will destroy their place and diminish their food
sources
.
This
 effect needs to be considered because it can cause extinctions of certain clans. In conclusion,
oil
 and
gas
 serve as the main energy to support our lives, yet there are better ways to seek alternatives for our energy
sources
 rather than destroying remote and untouched natural
places
 that will lead to the extinction of certain animals, plants, and even our own society.
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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay could be improved by clearly distinguishing between paragraphs, ensuring that each paragraph contains a single main idea, and using cohesive devices effectively to link ideas within and between paragraphs. Make sure each paragraph expands on a distinct aspect of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present but could be enhanced. Your introduction should more clearly outline the points you will discuss, and your conclusion could more effectively summarize your argument and reflect back on the points made throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. To enhance your score, provide specific instances or case studies that illustrate the issues discussed. This will make your arguments more persuasive and grounded in reality.
task achievement
Ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the task. Introduce the topic clearly and address both advantages and disadvantages even if your stance is one-sided. Then justify your position with balanced arguments and examples.
task achievement
Strive to express your ideas more comprehensively and clearly. This can be achieved by expanding upon your ideas with further explanation, detail, and illustration. Utilize a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to articulate your arguments more precisely and with greater variation.
task achievement
Use more relevant and specific examples to support your ideas. These examples give real-world context to your points and help the reader understand the practical implications of the topic. To score higher, integrate detailed and illustrative examples into each of your main paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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