IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, more and more people are hiring a personal fitness trainer , rather than playing sports or doing exercises classes. What are the reason for this ? Is this a positive or a negative development ?

#countries #people #fitness #trainer #sports #exercises #classes #reason #development
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Nowadays in modern and developed countries , a substantial number of individuals have a personal fitness trainer , in order to participate in exercise classes or play sports with a group of
people
Use synonyms
 ;
hence
Linking Words
, I guess
this
Linking Words
 is a positive trend ,I will write about some of the causes which contribute to
this
Linking Words
 issue in
this
Linking Words
 essay. In my opinion, the first important reason for hiring a private fitness teacher is lack of
time
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 ; in fact , in the modern world
people
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 have to work from dawn to dark and the pace of life does not let them match with public workout classes ; to illustrate , consider someone who has to work around the clock every day and his free
time
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 are limited ;
therefore
Linking Words
 , he can fix a suitable
time
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 with a personal trainer 's schedule regardless of public the
time
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 and location easier.
Besides
Linking Words
, another fact that I could mention is that now
people
Use synonyms
 have
got
Replace the word
gotten
show examples
 used to loneliness more than in the past ;
as a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 they prefer to work out with a particular trainer at their home.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is crystal clear that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 caring about health and body shape is too important, individuals
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
 in private with a personal teacher is a positive trend and doing
this
Linking Words
 activity in
such
Linking Words
 a way is better than not doing anything.
To conclude
Linking Words
 ,
time
Use synonyms
 management and loneliness are some examples to explain how
this
Linking Words
 enigma happened to
people
Use synonyms
 around the world and in my perspective ,it is a positive development.
Submitted by sajad.bazdar.2012 on

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Structure
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each section should serve its purpose: introduce the topic, present arguments, and summarize the findings, respectively. The introduction provided does not clearly state your thesis or outline the essay's structure, which can confuse the reader.
Logic
Work on developing your arguments with more coherence. Paragraphs should flow logically from one to the next, and ideas within paragraphs should be clearly connected with transition words and topic sentences. Your essay exhibits some issues in this area, with paragraphs appearing disjointed at times and lacking in logical transitions.
Elaboration
To adequately answer the question, you should elaborate on both sides of the argument with relevant examples and a clear position. Your essay provided limited reasons why people prefer personal fitness trainers. Furthermore, the essay should more directly address the second part of the prompt: discussing whether this trend is positive or negative with supporting arguments and examples.
Grammar & Vocabulary
Your essay should include more complex sentence structures and a variety of linking words to demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency. The use of punctuation and sentence variety helps to clearly convey your ideas and improves the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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