IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people feel that it is always wrong to keep animals in captivity, for instance in zoos. Other people say that there are benefits for the animals and for humans. Discuss both sides of this debate, and give your personal view

#people #animals #captivity #zoos #humans #debate
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These days
zoo
Fix the agreement mistake
zoos
show examples
becomes
Wrong verb form
have become
show examples
 both recreational and educational
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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that
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 famous among many citizens.
However
, some parts
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the community
states
Change the verb form
state
show examples
 a
contrast
Replace the word
contrasting
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 statement
which
Correct word choice
and
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 many say that
this
 issue will only harm the
animals
 and the disadvantage
outlays
Verb problem
outweighs
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 the benefit itself.
This
 essay will
extent
Replace the word
extend
show examples
 both views as well from my own perspective
further
 in the paragraphs below.
To begin
 with, many
animals
 are indeed treated like
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
prisonee
Correct your spelling
prisoner
 in the
captivited
Correct your spelling
captivated
 cage which
mostly
Add a missing verb
is mostly
show examples
 made from
a
Remove the article
apply
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metal.
For instance
, many of the fauna are not being cared by the
zookepers
Correct your spelling
zookeepers
 like they
should've been
Wrong verb form
should be
show examples
. They have been treated so badly at the point most of the
animals
gets
Correct subject-verb agreement
get
show examples
 bruises in their body and
suffered
Wrong verb form
suffer
show examples
 from malnourishment because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hunger and abandonment
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
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.
This
 phenomenon is contradictory with the purpose of the
zoo
 itself where it is claimed that
zoo
Correct article usage
the zoo
show examples
 should be a learning place about flora and fauna. It is obvious that many
zoo
 companies only want customer's money and it is
also
 deserved to get
protest
Fix the agreement mistake
protests
show examples
 by many individuals and animal lovers regarding
this
 menace.
On the other hand
, the
zoo
 is the only accessible and the most common
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
practical learning place in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
This
 is because
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of the
zoo
 has its own conservative area where it is almost the exact same
like
Change preposition
as
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 the
animals
' origin place.
Furthermore
, the visitors can gain knowledge from there by observing the
animals
 deeply
Correct your spelling
one by one
show examples
one-by-one
Correct your spelling
one by one
show examples
. To illustrate, many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
zoo
 has a breeding area where they try to save specific rare animal
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
show examples
.
This
 action is not only educational
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 beneficial for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mother nature.
To sum up
, a
zoo
 can be seen as a double-edged sword where there will always be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a bad.
This
 is because the biocracy of the
zoo
makes
Verb problem
is
show examples
 bad
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 global perspective. More than that, I personally think the
zoo
 can be a good sector if they upgrade and make a better system.
Submitted by writingielts0 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay does exhibit a logical structure to an extent, but the points could be organized more effectively to strengthen the argument. Using clearer topic sentences and a more systematic flow of information would improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion need to be more substantial. The introduction should more clearly state the scope of the debate and better prepare the reader for the discussion ahead. The conclusion needs to summarise the key points more concisely and restate the writer's view definitively.
coherence cohesion
While each paragraph supports its main point, some claims are not fully developed. The essay would benefit from more varied and detailed support, perhaps including statistics, reports, or studies to complement personal observations and examples.
task achievement
The response addresses the prompt, but the ideas are not explained as comprehensively as they could be. There is room to explore each viewpoint more thoroughly to meet the expectations of the task. The position of the writer is not clearly stated throughout the essay.
task achievement
Although relevant examples are provided, they could be integrated more smoothly into the discussion for a more nuanced analysis. The writer should strive to link examples directly to the arguments to enhance the response.
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