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Band 4

Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museums is to educate. Discuss both views and give you own opinion

#people #museums #places #purpose
Every person has different beliefs about
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 purpose of
museums
. The majority of
people
 believe that
museums
 should be visited as
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
entertainment
while
 others think that
this
 place is to educate. In my opinion, I see
museums
 as a place where
people
 can
do
Verb problem
have
show examples
 both fun and
get
Verb problem
gain
show examples
 knowledge. On the one hand, not everyone in
this
 world
enjoy
Change the verb form
enjoys
show examples
 visiting a monument because most of the
people
 are not really interested in
history
 or geography.
Furthermore
, they will be bored if there is
no something
Correct your spelling
nothing
show examples
 funny to see.
For instance
, research reveals that more than 30% of teenagers
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 went to
museums
 felt no
enjoyable
Replace the word
enjoyment
show examples
. Some of them even wanted to go home earlier.
As a result
,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 function of
museums
 should be added more to
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
entertain.
On the other hand
, generally,
museums
 are related to
history
, and some of them contain many ancient artefacts and weapons.
This
 purpose is to give
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 new knowledge about our past conditions or how our heroes sacrificed themselves.
For example
, in Yogyakarta, there is a house that
constructed
Add a missing verb
was constructed
show examples
 into a museum that
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 Indonesian
history
. Because of
this
, tourists and visitors can see real-life
example
Fix the agreement mistake
examples
show examples
 of a
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
history
, and they can get
education
Add an article
an education
the education
show examples
 that they can not get in schools. In conclusion,
although
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 function of
museums
 is to educate
people
, it is not wrong to turn
museums
 into entertainment places.
Submitted by ieltswriting91 on

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully extended and well supported. It would be advisable to include more details and examples to enhance the depth of the response and provide a more comprehensive analysis of both views.
coherence cohesion
The overall coherence is adequate with a logical sequence of information and ideas. Nevertheless, the essay would benefit from varied transitional phrases to link ideas more smoothly, and clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to better outline the main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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