IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing peple of different cultures and ages together To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion ?

#people #music #peple #cultures #ages
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Recently, many
people
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 believe that instrument
such
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 as
music
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 is a good way to attract other
people
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 from other
cultures
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 and ages. In my view, I agree with
this
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 statement mentioned, and in
this
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 essay, I will discuss
this
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 and give a relevant
example
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.
Initially
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, the main major of
this
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 is "
Music
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 is from
soul
Add an article
the soul
show examples
",
this
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 word shows that we can learn about some
cultures
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 through their
music
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 because every person loves
music
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 and
music
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 can touch our soul and our brain and make us understand and more interested in some traditional
traditions
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, the more the
music
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 is unique, the more
people
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 like to spend their time to learn about that.
for
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example
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,
Music
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 from Mexico always has unique instruments and tools to play that
music
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. It brings more
people
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 who want to know about the
music
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 and most of
that is
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 a tourists from different countries and
traditions
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.
Secondly
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, because of the lack of languages, we can understand other
cultures
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 just by
music
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.
For
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example
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, we travel to some places, and sometimes we don’t know about their language when they sing some songs but we can know the feeling from the
music
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 they playing
,
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apply
show examples
 and
also
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 learn about the meaning of that instrument.
In addition
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, we have different types of instrument tools, and we can attract
people
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 to learn those things and learn about other
cultures
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. Eventually, not every person likes
music
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, some
people
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 like to learn from other things,
such
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 as buildings or history about some
cultures
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 and
traditions
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, but when we learn about some
cultures
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, we can not avoid
music
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 because in
this
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 world, every culture has their own
music
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.
For
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example
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, for Traditional dances or independent days, we have our own
music
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 to represent our culture.
To conclude
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,
music
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 is everywhere and all
traditions
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 in
this
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 world have
music
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,
that is
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 why if we want to attract other
people
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 to our culture, one of the best ways is through
Music
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.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay displays a basic level of coherence and cohesion. However, there are evident areas for development. To enhance your score, ensure that paragraphs are well-formulated and each main point is explicitly introduced and concluded. Structure your essay more clearly by using a wider range of cohesive devices and transitional phrases that connect ideas smoothly.
task achievement
You have provided a response to the task, but the depth of your argument and analysis can be further improved. Expand your main points with more developed arguments and specific examples, ensuring that each paragraph contributes a distinct idea or perspective to the overall response. Consistently develop your essay with a clear focus on the task prompt to achieve a higher score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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