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Band 5.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing peple of different cultures and ages together To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion ?

#people #music #peple #cultures #ages
Recently, many
people
 believe that instrument
such
 as
music
 is a good way to attract other
people
 from other
cultures
 and ages. In my view, I agree with
this
 statement mentioned, and in
this
 essay, I will discuss
this
 and give a relevant
example
.
Initially
, the main major of
this
 is "
Music
 is from
soul
Add an article
the soul
show examples
",
this
 word shows that we can learn about some
cultures
 through their
music
 because every person loves
music
 and
music
 can touch our soul and our brain and make us understand and more interested in some traditional
traditions
, the more the
music
 is unique, the more
people
 like to spend their time to learn about that.
for
example
,
Music
 from Mexico always has unique instruments and tools to play that
music
. It brings more
people
 who want to know about the
music
 and most of
that is
 a tourists from different countries and
traditions
.
Secondly
, because of the lack of languages, we can understand other
cultures
 just by
music
.
For
example
, we travel to some places, and sometimes we don’t know about their language when they sing some songs but we can know the feeling from the
music
 they playing
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
also
 learn about the meaning of that instrument.
In addition
, we have different types of instrument tools, and we can attract
people
 to learn those things and learn about other
cultures
. Eventually, not every person likes
music
, some
people
 like to learn from other things,
such
 as buildings or history about some
cultures
 and
traditions
, but when we learn about some
cultures
, we can not avoid
music
 because in
this
 world, every culture has their own
music
.
For
example
, for Traditional dances or independent days, we have our own
music
 to represent our culture.
To conclude
,
music
 is everywhere and all
traditions
 in
this
 world have
music
,
that is
 why if we want to attract other
people
 to our culture, one of the best ways is through
Music
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay displays a basic level of coherence and cohesion. However, there are evident areas for development. To enhance your score, ensure that paragraphs are well-formulated and each main point is explicitly introduced and concluded. Structure your essay more clearly by using a wider range of cohesive devices and transitional phrases that connect ideas smoothly.
task achievement
You have provided a response to the task, but the depth of your argument and analysis can be further improved. Expand your main points with more developed arguments and specific examples, ensuring that each paragraph contributes a distinct idea or perspective to the overall response. Consistently develop your essay with a clear focus on the task prompt to achieve a higher score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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