IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Society would benefit from a ban on all kinds of advertising because it serves no useful purpose and can be damaging. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#society #ban #kinds #purpose
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It is argued that outlawing
advertisements
Use synonyms
 will do good for communities because they have no helpful aims and detrimental effects. I completely agree with the idea
along with
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 the given reason, and
this
Linking Words
 essay will discuss it. Notably, society will not feel annoyed anymore when accessing social media platforms. In recent times,
commercials
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 are easily found on every platform,
such
Linking Words
 as Spotify and YouTube, and have been managed to appear with a short interval between each advert. By disclosing their chances to be emblazoned on social media,
people
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 can feel more comfortable and unwind since their time to use those platforms is not interrupted by
the
Correct article usage
apply
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emerging
advertisements
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. From the reasons mentioned, I
also
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 agree that forbidding
the
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apply
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commercials
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 is triggered by their aims and risks given to the community.
First,
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commercials
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 are not helpful anymore.
It
Correct pronoun usage
This
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 is because
advertisements
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 are more concerned with delivering outstanding collaborations with popular
people
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 than the content of their information in present times.
For example
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, some Indonesian skincare
advertisements
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 highlight its cooperation with Korean artists rather than the evolution of their products, which
consequently
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 makes
people
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 not well-informed enough to accept the product’s innovations. Another reason is that an advertisement can be a threat to
people
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’s privacy. It has potential since several hackers can embed a particular system to steal someone’s data when they go through an online platform. It can be seen recently from the given statistics that most Indonesian
people
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 already lose their data by clicking on some random
advertisements
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 they have found online.
Thus
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, commercial bans can likely
to
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apply
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promote the protection of
people
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’s privacy.
To conclude
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, the benefits
derive
Wrong verb form
derived
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 from the banning of
advertisements
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 can make
people
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 more comfortable and easier to access several online platforms. I personally agree since
commercials
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 serve no useful information and can impose on
people
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’s personal data.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure your essay presents a clear and logical structure throughout. Each main point should flow smoothly to the next, with appropriate use of linking words and phrases to guide the reader. Consider using a variety of complex structures to enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion should clearly state your position and summarise the main points of the essay. It is good that these are present but ensure they mirror each other better for enhanced cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Back up your main points with more detailed and varied supporting examples. Avoid using overly general statements and strive to include statistics, facts, or specific occurrences that strongly support your argument.
task achievement
Your essay addressed the prompt fully by presenting a clear position throughout, and you managed to restate your opinion in the conclusion. However, there could be some improvements. Provide a more nuanced discussion that acknowledges other viewpoints, even if to refute them, to enhance the completeness of the response.
task achievement
The ideas in your essay are clear, but additional depth and complexity would improve its comprehensiveness. Explore the implications or consequences of your arguments in more detail to add depth.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant, yet they could be more specific and varied. Use a wider range of examples from different sources, such as case studies, research, or personal experience, to strengthen your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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