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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that it is essential to include physical education classes in the curriculum for all school-age children. Others think that children’s time is better spent on more academic subjects. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #education #classes #curriculum #children #children’s #time #subjects
It is thought by many individuals that all educational institutions should consider making extra-curricular activities
as
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
vital
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a vital
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 part of their syllabus
while
 other
suggests
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suggest
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 that the time spent on theoretical subjects is more
favorable
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favourable
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 to kids. In my opinion, sports activities are as important as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academic subjects so they should be given an equal preference. Proponents of the view in favor of setting exercises as an important part of
system
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the system
show examples
says
Correct subject-verb agreement
say
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 that
this
 practice is beneficial to the students.
In other words
, it will improve not only their mental health but
also
the
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their
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 physical. It will
also
 build a sense of
team work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
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 among them. One illustration of
this
 is playing football
boost
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boosts
show examples
 the
overall
 well-being of
person
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a person
show examples
 because it keeps their mind fresh and stress-free.
Additionally
, team building perception is
also
 developed among them by pursuing
this
 sport. Patrons who are in
favor
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favour
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 of spending more time only on academic subjects
believes
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believe
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 that it opens the doors
of
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to
show examples
 many opportunities for youngsters in future.
For instance
, students who
spent
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spend
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 more time
in
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apply
show examples
studying books are often intelligent. They do very well in class exams.
Therefore
,
chances
Correct article usage
the chances
show examples
 of getting scholarships from highly reputed universities are higher for them rather than others. From my perspective, physical exercises have equal importance as
academia
Replace the word
academic
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 courses. It helps children in many aspects of their lives
whereas
Correct word choice
while
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also
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
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 them
opportunity
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the opportunity
an opportunity
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in getting
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to get
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 their names
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to enlist
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enlist
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enlisted
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 in prominent teams
of
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in
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 their countries.
Moreover
, many athletes these days are earning big
sum
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sums
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 of money so one cannot make an assumption on whether it will make them successful in future or not.
To conclude
, I agree that physical
educations
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education
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 must
include
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be included
show examples
 in
curriculum
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the curriculum
show examples
 for all ages of students in schools so that they can keep themselves fit
along with
Change preposition
while
show examples
 keeping their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 fresh and steady.
Submitted by araibbutt93 on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to structure your essay correctly with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points more fully, using more varied sentence structures, vocabulary, and link your ideas better to make the argument more persuasive. Cohesion between ideas could be improved.
task achievement
While you addressed the task, some of your examples could be developed further to fully explain your points. It would be beneficial to provide more data or research to back up your claims.
task achievement
Ensure that both views and your own opinion are balanced and fully explained. In some instances, one side may need more support to be equally presented.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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