IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that purpose of museums is the educate. discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #museums #places #purpose #educate
In
this
 modern
era
Add a comma
era,
show examples
 a number of kinds of exhibitions are occurring and have become a trend. So some people think that
museums
 should be meaningful sectors for family, couples and friends etc.
However
, other individuals think that the usage of
museums
 is to provide for academic sectors. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 I strongly agree that
museums
 should be places which are more fun. On the one hand,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people think that
museums
 are full of knowledge and discovery to help people who want to study and are inspired by. For
students
Add a comma
students,
show examples
museums
 are a holy place to take expertise and for
adults
Add a comma
adults,
show examples
 they can use these resources to utilize their career.
For example
, pupils can go through museum exhibitions to expand their imagination and understand the ancient
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
myths.
Additionally
Add a comma
Additionally,
show examples
 directors can take inspiration from the exhibitions to create a rational movie.
Thus
,in my point of view,
museums
 are not only for academics
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 can serve as enjoyable places.
On the other hand
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals think that they now have various types of
museums
such
 as aesthetic
museums
, gallery
museums
, painting
museums
, etc. In
this
 new era, exhibition
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 are becoming trendy.
Thus
, couples or groups of friends or families prefer to hang out in those kinds of places.
For example
,couples can enjoy their leisure time and
taking
Wrong verb form
take
show examples
 pictures of
Add an article
the picture
a picture
show examples
picture
Change the form of the verb
pictures
show examples
 to each
others
Change to a singular noun
other
show examples
. For families and
others
Add a comma
others,
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can prepare lunch and picnic in the museum’s garden to
favorably
Change the spelling
favourably
show examples
 pass their fabulous day. It will make more sense for society.
Submitted by haixiuxiaonini on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents the topic and your thesis statement. Your conclusion should summarize the points discussed and reiterate your opinion. Both introduction and conclusion were lacking clarity and a strong thesis statement.
coherence
Work on creating a logical flow of ideas. This essay jumps between points without clear logical connections. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea that relates back to the overall thesis of the essay.
development
Develop your main points with specific examples and explanations. Many claims in this essay were made without supporting details, which makes the argument less convincing.
task response
For task achievement, provide a balanced discussion of both views and ensure that your own opinion is clear and well-supported. The response provided does not fully address the prompt, as the discussion leans heavily towards the view that museums should be fun, with limited exploration of the educational perspective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!