IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In some countries, secondary schools aim to provide a general educational across a range of subjects. In others, children focus on a narrowly range of subjects to related to a particular career. Which do you think is appropriate in today’s world?

#countries #schools #aim #range #subjects #children #focus #career #today’s #world
Nowadays, national education systems offer various teaching programs and
subjects
. Some countries
applying
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
 many
subjects
 for
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 in secondary schools, but others prefer to provide
subjects
 only for a specific job. In my opinion, whether large or small subject it depends on each nation's needs in today's world. Some believe that pupils in secondary schools
urging
Wrong verb form
urged
show examples
 to gain many knowledges over numerous courses. Exploration in
school
 is one of
good
Add an article
the good
show examples
 ways to
finding
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
 someone's passion.
Thus
,
graduate
Wrong verb form
graduating
show examples
 from
school
, it
getting
Verb problem
apply
show examples
easy to gain
particular
Add an article
a particular
show examples
 career.
For instance
, students in Indonesia from elementary
school
 to high
school
 must carry out
subjects
 minimum
ten
Change preposition
of ten
show examples
 modules. After
graduate
Wrong verb form
graduating
show examples
, they have
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 opportunity to choose specific fields they focus on.
Furthermore
,
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 will facilitate the resident's need to know deeply within themselves by internship programs, field courses,
exchange
Correct word choice
and exchange
show examples
 programs.
However
, a specific range of
subjects
 in a particular career since middle schools aim to create
potentially
Change the word
potential
show examples
 professionals in the future.
Therefore
, they will gain many experiences and build
relation
Replace the word
relationships
show examples
 easily.
For example
, private
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 in Indonesia execute a pre-test for their child to know what potential within themselves. It brings specific modules during studies.
For
this
 reason, no need reasons to
confuse
Wrong verb form
be confused
show examples
what
Change preposition
about what
show examples
 career
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they
expected
Wrong verb form
expect
show examples
. An appropriate education system
relying
Wrong verb form
relies
show examples
 on
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
 urgency at present times. Some countries need to have more doctors,
they
Correct word choice
so they
show examples
 will provide a specific program to folks. In my opinion, the most appropriate program is
pre-test
Correct article usage
a pre-test
show examples
 before
school
.
Hence
,
student
Add an article
the student
a student
show examples
 can define their passion
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
earliest
Add an article
the earliest
show examples
 time.
Submitted by oktiviay17 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction and conclusion should be distinct and summarise your position and main arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Develop each of your paragraphs with a clear main idea, followed by supporting sentences that develop this idea further. Use a variety of linking words to connect your ideas and paragraphs together to improve the logical flow.
Task Achievement
Make sure to directly answer the question and present a clear position throughout your essay. Each paragraph should contain a clear main idea that directly relates to the task at hand.
Task Achievement
Provide a variety of specific examples and evidence to support your arguments. These should be relevant and illustrate the points you are making effectively.
Task Achievement
Mind the overall clarity and logical development of your ideas. While addressing both sides of the issue, make sure to return to your own position, clarifying its relevance to the question asked, and reinforcing your viewpoint in the conclusion to give a comprehensive response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • dynamic job market
  • broad range of skills
  • well-rounded skill set
  • narrowly defined set
  • adaptability
  • technological advancements
  • shifting market demands
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving skills
  • creativity
  • disciplinary exposure
  • specialized knowledge
  • deep expertise
  • competitive advantage
  • lifelong learning
  • direct pathway
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