IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures.

#world #life #expectancy #individuals #society #measures
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In
this
 modern society ,
Technology
 plays
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 important role in human life without
technology
 our lives are incomplete. Expectations are
also
 increasing
day
 by
day
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss the problems for
people
 and the entire nation.
To begin
 with , There is no doubt that
technology
 helps each individual to live
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 easy life. But nowadays we are fully dependent on it
such
 as the Internet ,Television and Electricity etc.
For example
 , a survey done by the Times of India revealed that 80% of
people
 are extremely happy with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
 because it makes their life so easy .
Moreover
,
People
 easily can wash their clothes in the washing machine in a very short period of time and through television
people
 are aware
that
Change preposition
of
show examples
 what is going on globally.
Secondly
 ,Each thing has pros and cons. The expectations of individuals are increasing
day
 by
day
 due the
technology
 .
For example
 ,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research done by students of Harvard University that mobile rays are very harmful to humans and can cause many diseases
such
 as skin cancer ,high blood pressure , heart disease etc.
Furthermore
 ,these days
people
 are spending more time on social sites
as a result
 , it is affecting their personal relations as well.
To conclude
, In my opinion , Government should start some awareness
programme
Fix the agreement mistake
programmes
show examples
 related to
Add an article
the disadvantage
show examples
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
 of
techonology
Correct your spelling
technology
 and
people
 should use
technology
 but we should not be fully dependent on it.
Submitted by preetiaug25 on

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task achievement
The essay deviates significantly from the topic, as the focus is on technology rather than the problems caused by increasing life expectancy. The question asks for a discussion on the effects of increasing average life expectancy and measures to address those problems, not the impact of technology.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is unclear, and the logical flow between ideas is weak. Introduction and conclusion should directly address the topic. Main points should be distinct and well-supported by subsequent sentences. Use cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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