IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some places, teenagers are encouraged to get part-time jobs while they are still in school. Do the advantages of teenagers working outweigh the disadvantages

#places #teenagers #jobs #school
In some areas, a lot of teenagers are advised by their families to look for a light type of
work
while
 they are attending high school or college, which has some good cons but I don't believe that
its
Change the pronoun
it
show examples
 outweighs the pros as it may become extra stress for the student and
also
 may force them to be more isolated. working during studying means having more commitment and tidiness
also
 they may carry out the
work
 issue into their personal life including studying
time
 which leads them to be stressed out often because of the limited day-to-day activities
time
 there won't be much
time
 left for them to have free
time
 for them to gain some relief by seeing their friends or doing something they like as well
Add the comma(s)
, therefore,
show examples
therefore
 they become more burn out and tired
for example
 college student who only focuses on there courses sames calmer compared to there peers who study and
work
 at the same
time
On the other hand
, working
while
 studying means spending most of the
time
 between working and studying only , which means that the student would bearly join any other family members assembly like weddings parties or so on because of being at
work
 or studying,
as a result
, the young guys become more isolated and feel alone which may cause some health mental problem like depression. In conclusion, having a short-term job
while
 attending a higher education has a lot of advantages for some people but yet it can not come over a disadvantage , as it causes them to be less social and more stressed out .
Submitted by hebadyala on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that there is a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. This can be achieved by planning the structure before writing, where each paragraph should have a clear central idea and subsequent sentences support or elaborate on it.
coherence cohesion
Include an introduction that clearly addresses the topic and a conclusion that effectively summarizes the discussion. Both should be clearly distinct sections of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with relevant explanations and examples. Avoid making general statements without demonstrating how they relate to the topic or providing evidence for your claims.
task achievement
Your response must fully address all parts of the task. Make sure that your essay remains focused on the prompt and covers both advantages and disadvantages with equal measure.
task achievement
Present ideas clearly and comprehensively. Work on the clarity of expression and the presentation of your arguments. Avoid overly complex sentence structures that detract from the meaning.
task achievement
Use specific examples to support your points. These examples should be pertinent and reinforce the argument. Avoid using hypothetical or vague references that do not contribute to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: