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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#population
Nowadays,
they
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 has been
rapidly
Change the adverb
rapid
show examples
 growth in the ageing
population
 around the globe.
Although
 the old
population
 is thought by some to be useful for society, other
people
 consider that it can cause some issues for the
unemployee
Correct your spelling
unemployed
unemployment
 rates. In my opinion, I think that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly
people
 can bring out more benefits for society compared to any drawbacks. One of the major benefits is that older
people
 used to have more experience before, which is an opportunity to gain advice for youngster life. As elderly’s living life before new technology has major change in the world.
For instance
, many professors in the world’s class universities, who taught and educated many students, were extremely well-informed about their fields of study.
Furthermore
, it means that they have lived for a long time and have witnessed a variety kinds of matters which teach them how to tackle problems.
On the other hand
, the main drawback
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 the rise in
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 of citizens and cause to unemployment.
In addition
, the person, who graduated from their school, can not find the jobs
due to
 the senior
people
are
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the company.
For example
, the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of joblessness in Singapore has significantly
increases
Wrong verb form
increased
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 over time since the potential of
olds
Correct your spelling
old
show examples
 personnel is
Correct quantifier usage
more advantage
show examples
advantage
Replace the word
advantageous
show examples
 to the
manufacture
Replace the word
manufacturer
show examples
 than younger
people
. In conclusion, weighing up both sides of the argument, I would say that the positive aspects of the high-experience elderly
population
 in society outweigh any of the basic bad points,
such
 as non-employment.
Submitted by mynonames on

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introduction conclusion present
Ensure that you provide a clear thesis statement in the introduction and a summary of your position in the conclusion. Both the introduction and the conclusion need to explicitly reflect the essay's argument and its stand on the issue.
logical structure
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs, each with a single main idea supported by specific examples. Make sure that your essay flows logically from one point to the next with the use of appropriate transition words and phrases.
supported main points
Choose examples that directly support your main points. Make sure your examples are relevant, specific, and detailed enough to convincingly back up your arguments.
complete response
Address the task directly and ensure your essay fully answers all parts of the question. Develop each of your points thoroughly and make sure they relate clearly back to the question posed, showing how they contribute to your overall argument.
clear comprehensive ideas
Present your ideas clearly and develop them comprehensively, with attention to clarity and detail. Your argument should be easily understood and should progress logically. Use a range of vocabulary and sentence structures to convey your ideas effectively.
relevant specific examples
Illustrate your points with specific, relevant examples. Avoid general or vague statements that do not directly support your argument. Specific examples add weight to your points and demonstrate a clear understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • aging population
  • geriatric healthcare
  • chronic diseases
  • pension plans
  • elderly abuse
  • retirement homes
  • accessible housing
  • public transportation
  • age discrimination
  • support networks
  • family caregivers
  • preventive healthcare
  • physical activities
  • community engagement
  • advocacy programs
  • legislation
What to do next:
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