IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The rise of social media has affected personal relationships and society as a whole. Do the advantages of using social media for communication outweigh the disadvantages ?

#rise #media #relationships #society #communication
As social
media
 develops, personal relationships,
as well as
 society, have been affected. The writer's opinion believes that the perk of saving
time
 and accessibility to the latest announcements
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
 outweighs the chance of online
scam
Fix the agreement mistake
scams
show examples
. The most compelling advantage of social
media
 is the
time
 it saves to contact. To explain
this
, social
media
 provides its users with the perk of saving
time
while
 contacting
people
 they love. Its users can take advantage of
this
 to keep in touch with their beloved relatives or friends.
For instance
,
instead
 of spending days to send a letter to your parents, you can send them a message just within a second. Another point to consider is the accessibility to announcements in the area we are living in or all over the world. In today's digital era, social
media
 is not only a tool for
people
 to communicate with their relationships but
also
 a tool for the government to share the latest
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 or urgent notifications. Because of
this
, individuals in society can know what is going on at the moment.
Thus
, social
media
 is the gateway for us to catch up with developments in our society.
However
, the chance of online deceit is
also
 a point worth mentioning. In
this
 modernized world, criminals can use social
media
 to rick other
people
 to get their personal information to do illegal actions.
This
 is a credible point, but the possibility is tiny now,
due to
 enhancements in online security, alongside the instant response of how to prevent the latest methods of online fraud from the government.
Hence
,
people
 are safer online. In conclusion, despite the risk of fraud through the internet,
people
 can enjoy the benefit of saving
time
 and being accessible to the latest news.
Therefore
, the benefits of social
media
 outweigh its drawbacks.

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task achievement
The essay lacks full elaboration on the points made, with minimal explanation and no clear, specific examples to support the arguments. Task response can be improved by offering a more detailed discussion and using concrete examples to back up the advantages and disadvantages mentioned.
coherence cohesion
The essay does exhibit some level of coherence with a basic structure; however, there is a need for better logical flow and stronger connection between ideas. To improve coherence and cohesion, you should focus on more sophisticated linking words and phrases, and ensure that the supporting sentences are clearly connected to the main points of each paragraph.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • global connectivity
  • networking opportunities
  • real-time information
  • community building
  • marketing opportunities
  • self-expression
  • educational content
  • privacy concerns
  • data security
  • misinformation
  • fake news
  • cyberbullying
  • interpersonal skills
  • distraction
  • productivity
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