IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph below shows US consumers' average annual expenditures on cell phone and residential phone services between 2001 and 2010.

The
shown
Verb problem
apply
show examples
line chart
made
Verb problem
shown
show examples
 by the US Bureau of
labor statistics
Use the right word
Labour Statistics
show examples
 shows the yearly cellphone and residential phone service expectancy from 2001 to 2010 in the United States of America.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clear to see that the annual price of residential phone services dropped in the studied period.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, cellphone prices are
hugely
Rephrase
apply
show examples
increasing
in
Rephrase
rapidly in
show examples
 the same period. So
while
Linking Words
 the price of house phones is decreasing, the personal phone is rising.
Linking Words
Firstly
Punctuation problem
Firstly,
show examples
 the
cellphones
Fix the agreement mistake
cellphone
show examples
user’s
Check wording
users’
show examples
 expectancy was annually $200 in 2001, the same year
where
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 the
depenses
Correct your spelling
expenses
 started to shoot up. It actually went from $200 to approximately $750
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 it rose by $550 in only nine years.
However
Linking Words
, the household phones began to fall from 2001 when its user expenditure had roughly crossed $700 to $400 in 2010 as it had attained the same annual users expenses of cellphone services and residential phones with an yearly cost of $500.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: