IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that in the modern world, getting old is entirely bad. Others, however, say that life for the elderly nowadays is much better than it was in the past. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #world #life
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In
this
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 rapid world, the topic
about
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of
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 aged
people
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 is frequently discussed by society .Many
people
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 believe that getting old is undesirable as you become useless,
while
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 others insist that the
life
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 of elderly
people
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 in today's world is several times better than it was in the past.
This
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 essay will try to explore both sides and in the end, I will share my point of view. On the one hand, it is an indisputable fact that over the years humans' energy and enthusiasm
reduce
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have reduced
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 and
as a result
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 they become less moveable and useless in terms of family or environment.To be more clear,they prefer to stay in a quiet atmosphere and spend most of their time at home, behind the TV.
Thus
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, the
life
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 of aged
people
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 can be considered bad and boring as they do not have anything special to do daily.
For instance
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, my grandmother who is almost 84 years old has recently confirmed the negative sides of being old
such
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 as reduction of mood and laziness to name just a few. On the flip side, the
lives
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 of grandmothers and grandfathers improved in various aspects compared with their
lives
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 in the past.Saying thoroughly,nowadays the government
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has increase
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increase
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increased
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 pensiones several times for pensioners and scores of volunteering programmes take place to aid elderly
people
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 by providing food, financial aid or just taking care of the elderly.
Hence
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, they are financially secure, which is important, at the centre of attention.To cite an example,my grandmother told me that retired
people
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 in the past used to get a 30000AMD pension monthly,
while
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 now the lowest pension is 43000AMD. In my opinion, being old is not so bad as you can make your own entertainment.
For example
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 by playing board games with your peers or doing some sports exercises.With regard to their
life
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,it is apt
to conclude
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 that their
life
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 becomes diligent as they do not have anything to worry about. Taking everything into account, getting old might not be as enjoyable and happy as youngsters'
lives
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 as they may lack mood or enthusiasm.
Nevertheless
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, modern elderly
people
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 live tranquil and careless
lives
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 as they often get helped
due to
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 some voluntary programmes or some caring individuals.
Submitted by alex.martirosyan201206 on

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introduction conclusion present
The essay needs to ensure that the introduction provides a clear background to the topic, presenting both views and the writer's own opinion succinctly. Currently, the introduction is lacking a clear thesis statement that clearly states the essay's purpose and direction. To score higher, make sure that your introduction paves the way for the reader by clearly outlining the forthcoming discussion.
logical structure
The essay demonstrates an attempt to structure the information logically, but the transitions between ideas are abrupt and do not allow a smooth flow of information. Employing a range of cohesive devices beyond 'On the one hand' and 'On the flip side' can strengthen the coherence. Furthermore, developing paragraphs with clear topic sentences and subsequent supporting sentences would help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
supported main points
While you have presented some ideas related to the topic, they need to be developed in more depth. The main points require further explanation and more detailed examples to support your argument effectively. Work on expanding your ideas and providing more concrete evidence or illustrations to substantiate your points.
complete response
The response covers the task partially, addressing some elements of the prompt. However, it remains somewhat superficial and fails to explore the discussed views with the depth required at higher bands. Expand your ideas and elaborate more on how life for elderly people now compares with the past, and ensure that your own opinion is clear and well-supported throughout.
relevant specific examples
Specific examples have been included but they are either too generic or not fully exploited to demonstrate the point being made. For a higher score, include more vivid and pertinent examples that directly support your argument. Ensure that these examples are well-integrated into your essay and contribute to the overall argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • elderly
  • modern world
  • decline
  • physical
  • mental health
  • diseases
  • disabilities
  • social isolation
  • loneliness
  • access
  • healthcare
  • medications
  • lifelong learning
  • personal growth
  • social support
  • community engagement
  • positive aspects
  • negative aspects
What to do next:
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