Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

While
a number of people are inclined to believe commercials are incredibly important for
convince
Wrong verb form
convincing
show examples
us to buy things, others disagree with it
due to
they believe those are so common that cannot attract us anymore. I must say, I strongly disagree
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
idea that people are not interested in advertisements anymore. It has an important role
while
Correct word choice
when
show examples
humans are deciding what to buy. First of all, from my point of view, people only believe what they see and they would like to be convinced before
own
Change the verb form
owning
show examples
something. They love the feeling
being
Change preposition
of being
show examples
satisfied after a good investment or
buy
Wrong verb form
buying
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anything.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
show examples
is why, commercials have a significant impact on us in order to make us
satisfy
Wrong verb form
satisfied
show examples
from
Change preposition
with
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our shopping
cause
Correct word choice
because
show examples
most of the time, we influence products' videos and
this
pushes us to have
one
.
For instance
, once, I saw a hairdryer video and wanted to get
one
although
I
do
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
not
need
Correct pronoun usage
need one
show examples
.
Furthermore
, sometimes, we are not able to choose
one
product because we cannot decide between brands and in
this
situations
Fix the agreement mistake
situation
show examples
, advertisements help us to decide. Eventually, we watch all the products' videos and choose
one
of them. It is probably the
one
which
best
Add a missing verb
is best
show examples
advertised, not the
one
with
best
Change the article
the best
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quality.
In addition
, commercials make companies prominent.
For instance
, my brother is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
such
a capitalist that he always wants to buy anything well-known without looking
their
Change preposition
at their
show examples
features.
Thus
we can see it definitely works
while
persuading us.
To sum up
, what I mean
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
I completely believe advertisements are successful at persuading and making famous products
thus
they can attract more and more customers.
Submitted by fatmanurdonertas on

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task achievement
Your essay partially addresses the task with a clear position, but it lacks a fully developed argument. The introduction and conclusion are not well-defined and could be improved to better state the purpose of the essay and summarize your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay shows a basic organizational structure, but it has issues with paragraphing and logical sequencing of ideas that make it harder to follow. Use clear topic sentences at the start of each paragraph to lead the reader through your arguments. In addition, transitions between points could be smoother.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • persuade
  • promote
  • attract
  • influence
  • impact
  • consumerism
  • commercialism
  • market
  • product
  • brand
  • endorsement
  • manipulative
  • saturated
  • overwhelmed
  • repetitive
  • distracting
  • irrelevant
  • exaggerated
  • misleading
  • desensitized
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