IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays many people prefer to shop in supermarket rather than small shops or local markets? Is this positive or negative for development? Discuss and give your opinion.

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Modern convenience stores are scattered all over the region, which overpower the local market and traditional shops.
This
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 breakthrough is believed to bring many benefits to society, yet some people oppose
this
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 development.
This
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 essay will discuss the downsides of the public's behaviour towards shopping in supermarkets and why I side with the latter.
Firstly
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, the traditional market is a huge source of income for lower-middle-income society and the availability of supermarkets potentially disrupts their livelihood.
For example
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, a lot of traditional farmers cling to local markets to distribute their goods because big convenience stores are reluctant to cooperate with them.
As a result
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, the booming trend of supermarkets threatens their ability to sell a large amount of fresh crops and products to buyers because of the ease that the supermarket offers.
Hence
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, if
this
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 phenomenon continues, it will put small
farmers
Change noun form
farmers'
farmer's
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 and local store sellers' jobs in danger.
Secondly
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, a wide variety of goods in modern markets can inflict a consumerism attitude among the public as they might end up buying things they do not really need.
For example
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, convenience stores usually have skincare and clothes aisles among other things like food and cleaning products, which induce the need to buy those
initially
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 unwanted products because people casually walk past them and sightseeing,
not to mention
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 if there is an extra discount
that
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apply
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tempts people to buy them.
Consequently
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, the effortlessness of supermarket shopping indirectly leads to the intensification of capitalism and consumerism in society. In conclusion, the emerging modern facilities seem to have a lot of appeal in the public's eye, but if we look closely, they can cause so many underlying problems in the future,
such
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 as the endangered local shops and the glorification of consumerism attitude.
Finally
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, it is our responsibility to be a wise consumer to keep the right balance between supermarket and traditional store utilization depending on our needs,
as well as
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 limiting the stuff to buy to avoid excessive consumption.

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task achievement
Ensure that you present a clear position throughout the response. While your overall idea was present, looking to strengthen the alignment and clarity of your stance throughout the essay can improve your score.
task achievement
Your main ideas are generally relevant and supported, but strive to include a broader range of examples and more detailed ones to strengthen your arguments and make them more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical structure and sequencing of your essay. While there is a clear progression in some parts of your essay, further attention to linking words and clear paragraphing can make the flow of ideas smoother and more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
While an introduction and conclusion are present, you should work on specifying your thesis statement and ensuring your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates your position without introducing new information.
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