IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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These days, the development of technology is being used to check someone's activities and what they are going to say. Sometimes, they do not even realise if
this
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 is happening.
Although
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 there is a drawback to doing
this
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, I believe that a benefit is still on top. On the one hand, one of the advantages of tracking
people
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 is
for
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apply
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increasing security in order to keep
people
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 safe.
This
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 action can be used to remind them on the roads to wear helmets and not to do anything weird.
For example
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, in Bandung, there is a monitor for checking bikers if they wear safety equipment or not. The checker will notice them and use a microphone so they will get reminded.
As a result
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, recent news shown that there is a decreasing rate for
people
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 who usually do not wear it.
On the other hand
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, there is a negative impact
such
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 as less confidence. If technology is used to notice someone on the roads where many
people
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gathering
Wrong verb form
gather
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 in
this
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 place, it will make them feel uncomfortable and their confidence will decrease.
Furthermore
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, their behaviours would lead them to not be brave.
For instance
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, on social media, there was someone who shared the effects of that action. He said that he got bullied, and could not go to work.
As a result
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, monitoring somebody is not always an excellent way. In conclusion, a positive impact of using security cameras is
for
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apply
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looking at
people
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 to ensure they are safe, and the drawback is related to
people
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's confidence. Personally, I think an advantage of technology outweighs the disadvantages.

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task achievement
The essay lacks a strong introduction and conclusion that clearly address the topic. You should explicitly outline your position on the advantages and disadvantages of technology's role in monitoring in both the introduction and conclusion for greater task achievement.
task achievement
Your main points should be more developed with supporting details and examples throughout the essay. Aim to provide fuller explanations and more elaborated examples that directly relate to how the advantages may outweigh the disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay with a clear and logical structure, including distinct paragraphs for the introduction, each main point, and the conclusion. Use cohesive devices to connect ideas and paragraphs more effectively to enhance the reader's understanding of your argument.
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