IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays techonology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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Monitoring
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
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 activities through electronic devices
such
Linking Words
 as mobile phones and cameras is a growing practice in society recently.
However
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 have issues with unnoticeable supervision which makes them unaware
even
Correct word choice
and even
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 anxious.
This
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 essay will elaborate
the
Change preposition
on the
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 advantages
to keep
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of keeping
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 the practices going
instead
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 of
focus
Wrong verb form
focusing
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to
Change preposition
on
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 the setbacks In
digital
Add an article
a digital
the digital
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 world where
people
Use synonyms
 can track everything, means that
people
Use synonyms
 have absolute control over possible criminal acts. There must be no problem if
people
Use synonyms
 do activity as usual and do not have any potential to do unlawful acts. Yet, some individuals argue that they conduct
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
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 because there is no strict law applicable
for
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to
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 them.
Therefore
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, the presence of digital supervision becomes an urgent matter to regulate
in ensuring
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to ensure
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 these criminals are being watched properly by law enforcement officers.
For instance
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, suspicious activity from a former prisoner's phone may raise a signal to police to stay aware
for
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of
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 any potential misconduct.
Furthermore
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, it is beneficial for parents to take care of their offspring even in
Correct article usage
the cyber-world
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cyber-world
Correct your spelling
cyber world
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. Kids
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at in
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in
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an
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 early
ages
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age
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 are well-known to be curious to have a pleasant adventure
in
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on
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internet
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the internet
show examples
. If the presence of
parents
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parental
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 supervision
exist
Correct subject-verb agreement
exists
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while
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 children are unaware can create
best
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the best
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 portrayal
on
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of
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 how far children can
take
Correct your spelling
make
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 a conscious decision.
For example
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, parents will know if their offspring play games until midnight or not. To summarize,
taking
Verb problem
keeping
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 a closer watch over
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 activity through electronic
medias
Correct your spelling
media
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 even if no
further
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 notice still supports positive improvement over the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
 because it provides crime prevention alternatives and parental guides to their children.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a strong logical structure, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow your argument. Consider organizing your essay with clear, distinct paragraphs that each contain a central idea, and use linking phrases to connect your ideas coherently.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and a conclusion are present, but they need clearer thesis statements and summaries of your main points. Try to enhance your opening and closing paragraphs to better frame your argument.
coherence cohesion
Provide clearer and more direct support for your main points. Use more specific examples and evidence to back up your claims, making them more persuasive and meaningful.
task achievement
While you respond to the task, your essay could more comprehensively address the nuances of the question. In future essays, aim to directly answer the question with a balanced evaluation of both sides, even if you choose to argue that one side outweighs the other.
task achievement
Your ideas could be presented more clearly and comprehensively. Work on distilling your points so that they are straightforward and accessible to all readers, not just those with background knowledge of the topic.
task achievement
The use of relevant, specific examples is essential for a rich task response. Your examples are somewhat generic. You can improve by providing examples that are detailed, precise, and fully fleshed out, tailored to the argument you are making.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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