Nowadays techonology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Monitoring
people
activities through electronic devices Change noun form
people's
such
as mobile phones and cameras is a growing practice in society recently. However
, some people
have issues with unnoticeable supervision which makes them unaware even
anxious. Correct word choice
and even
This
essay will elaborate the
advantages Change preposition
on the
to keep
the practices going Change preposition
of keeping
instead
of focus
Wrong verb form
focusing
to
the setbacks
In Change preposition
on
digital
world where Add an article
a digital
the digital
people
can track everything, means that people
have absolute control over possible criminal acts. There must be no problem if people
do activity as usual and do not have any potential to do unlawful acts. Yet, some individuals argue that they conduct crime
because there is no strict law applicable Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
for
them. Change preposition
to
Therefore
, the presence of digital supervision becomes an urgent matter to regulate in ensuring
these criminals are being watched properly by law enforcement officers. Change preposition
to ensure
For instance
, suspicious activity from a former prisoner's phone may raise a signal to police to stay aware for
any potential misconduct.
Change preposition
of
Furthermore
, it is beneficial for parents to take care of their offspring even in Correct article usage
the cyber-world
cyber-world
. Kids Correct your spelling
cyber world
Change preposition
at in
in
early Correct your spelling
an
ages
are well-known to be curious to have a pleasant adventure Fix the agreement mistake
age
in
Change preposition
on
internet
. If the presence of Add an article
the internet
parents
supervision Replace the word
parental
exist
Correct subject-verb agreement
exists
while
children are unaware can create best
portrayal Change the article
the best
on
how far children can Change preposition
of
take
a conscious decision. Correct your spelling
make
For example
, parents will know if their offspring play games until midnight or not.
To summarize, taking
a closer watch over Verb problem
keeping
people
activity through electronic Change noun form
people's
medias
even if no Correct your spelling
media
further
notice still supports positive improvement over the drawback
because it provides crime prevention alternatives and parental guides to their children.Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a strong logical structure, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow your argument. Consider organizing your essay with clear, distinct paragraphs that each contain a central idea, and use linking phrases to connect your ideas coherently.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and a conclusion are present, but they need clearer thesis statements and summaries of your main points. Try to enhance your opening and closing paragraphs to better frame your argument.
coherence cohesion
Provide clearer and more direct support for your main points. Use more specific examples and evidence to back up your claims, making them more persuasive and meaningful.
task achievement
While you respond to the task, your essay could more comprehensively address the nuances of the question. In future essays, aim to directly answer the question with a balanced evaluation of both sides, even if you choose to argue that one side outweighs the other.
task achievement
Your ideas could be presented more clearly and comprehensively. Work on distilling your points so that they are straightforward and accessible to all readers, not just those with background knowledge of the topic.
task achievement
The use of relevant, specific examples is essential for a rich task response. Your examples are somewhat generic. You can improve by providing examples that are detailed, precise, and fully fleshed out, tailored to the argument you are making.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?