A lot of people who wanted to become professional athletes gave up this idea because of the fear of failure and parents' pressure. Do you think that parents should support their children who want to do a career in sports?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Start now →

Introduction

to be

a professional

Correct the article-noun agreement

a professional athlete

professional athletes

show examples

athletes

Use synonyms

it's not easy like we think. in

fact

Add a comma

fact,

show examples

some of the

failure

Change to a plural noun

failures

show examples

Wrong verb form

are

show examples

professional

athletes

Use synonyms

. In

this

Linking Words

essay

Add a comma

essay,

show examples

I will give my opinion

why

Change preposition

on why

show examples

Use synonyms

parents

Change noun form

parents'

parent's

show examples

support

Use synonyms

have

Correct subject-verb agreement

has

show examples

big

Add an article

a big

show examples

impact

for

Change preposition

show examples

their

children

Use synonyms

Body · 1

firstly

Linking Words

, being an

Use synonyms

athletes

Correct the article-noun agreement

athlete

show examples

it's not easy

Correct word choice

show examples

we think.

young

Capitalize word

Young

show examples

atheletes

Correct your spelling

athletes

need

pratice

Correct your spelling

practice

everyday

Replace the word

every day

show examples

and

also

Linking Words

they need to improve their skill day by day. as

weel

Correct your spelling

well

show examples

Use synonyms

parents

Change noun form

parents'

parent's

show examples

support

Use synonyms

have

Correct subject-verb agreement

has

show examples

big

Add an article

a big

show examples

role in

these situation

Change the determiner

this situation

these situations

show examples

Linking Words

for

Capitalize word

For

show examples

example, when young

athletes

Use synonyms

can't aim

the

Change preposition

for the

show examples

target coach set it will make them sad or demotivation,

parents

Use synonyms

need

Add the particle

need to

show examples

give the

support

Use synonyms

and encourage for their

children

Use synonyms

moreover

Linking Words

parents

Use synonyms

put wishes and

expetation

Correct your spelling

expectations

expectation

on their

children

Use synonyms

thus

Linking Words

will give more failure and pressure for them.

Body · 2

secondly

Linking Words

, in

general

Add a comma

general,

show examples

society

think

Correct subject-verb agreement

thinks

show examples

Wrong verb form

being

show examples

an athlete is not

valuable

Correct article usage

a valuable

show examples

profession

on the other hand

Linking Words

jobs like doctors,

nurse

Fix the agreement mistake

nurses

show examples

, or

lawyer

Fix the agreement mistake

lawyers

show examples

Add a missing verb

are more

show examples

valuable

job

Fix the agreement mistake

jobs

show examples

due to

Linking Words

this

Linking Words

though some people who

wants

Change the verb form

want

show examples

to be

athelete

Correct your spelling

athletes

felt

Wrong verb form

feel

show examples

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

blindlessand

Correct your spelling

blindness and

fear for the future.

for

Linking Words

this

Linking Words

reason

Add a comma

reason,

show examples

parents

Use synonyms

need to

support

Use synonyms

their

children

Use synonyms

what

Change preposition

in what

show examples

they want in the future and

also

Linking Words

dont

Correct your spelling

don't

judge them so that they

dont

Correct your spelling

don't

felt

Wrong verb form

feel

show examples

demotivation or fear about

future

Correct article usage

the future

show examples

Conclusion

Therefore

Linking Words

, I believe that having

support

Use synonyms

from family is necessary for their

children

Use synonyms

to become professional

athletes

Use synonyms

hafidzaditaf1

Jan 16, 2024

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay lacks a clear and logical structure. It's essential to organize thoughts into a cohesive layout with clear paragraphs, beginning with an introduction, followed by body paragraphs, and concluding with a clear conclusion.

Coherence & Cohesion

An introduction and conclusion are critical components of a well-structured essay, but it's evident that this essay has an underdeveloped introduction and no distinct conclusion. It is crucial to include these elements to frame your main points effectively.

Coherence & Cohesion

While the essay touches upon some main points concerning parental support for athletes, it requires more development and clear explanation. Use more structured paragraphs to support your main points effectively.

Task Achievement

The response partially fulfills the task by mentioning parental support for children pursuing athletics but lacks a complete exploration of this complex topic. Ensure that you answer all parts of the question and develop each point with sufficient detail.

Task Achievement

The clarity of the ideas presented is blurry, and they're not comprehensive enough. Focus on clearly stating your ideas, then develop them cohesively to form a complete and in-depth argument.

Task Achievement

The essay lacks specific, relevant examples to support its points. To improve, incorporate concrete examples or anecdotes to illustrate your ideas and arguments vividly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

Summary
Restatement of thesis
Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

In conclusion
To conclude
To summarize
Finally
In a nutshell
In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Do you want to check your IELTS essays?

Submit unlimited essays, letters and charts. Sign up right now and start improving your writing skills.

11
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
4
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
44
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

210 words

🚀 Prepare for IELTS writing section today!

Unlimited Task 1 & Task 2 checks
Practice with essays, charts, and letters.
Personalized suggestions & mistake analysis
Spot every mistake and boost your score.
Topic ideas & vocabulary helpers
Expand your ideas and use the right words.
Progress tracking
Watch your writing improve with every practice.

Topic Vocabulary:

parental support
ambitions
career stability
physical health
teamwork
discipline
fame
financial success
competition
risk of injury
career span
coaching
sports management
sports medicine
backup plan
educational background
societal pressures
expectations
mental resilience
self-esteem
constructive criticism

What to do next:

Look at other essays:

7.5
band
People are not exercising regularly, even though they know it is beneficial for their health. Why is this problem? What can be sone to tackle it?
There are various ways can make people achieve better health, and doing physical activities is one of the main options. While individuals understand how good can exercise be beneficial to our health, they still seldom do it. In this essay, I will discuss the reasons, and then describe the solutions to the problems in the following paragraphs.
8
band
In some countries, owning a home rather than renting one is very important for people. Why might this be the case? Do you think this is positive or negative situation?
A home is a place where our heart lies. In the majority of nations, owning a property is considered more beneficial to individuals than renting. This essay will expatiate why it is more preferred and also state my reason why I think it advantageous.
6.5
band
Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal, some.people , however ,think that other tips of progress are equally important for country . Discuss both of the view and give your opinion ?
Several states say that financial development is a vital purpose. However, individuals believe that other types of improvements are equally important to the country. I will explain both points of view alone with examples.
7.5
band
Some people say that zoos should be banned for being cruel towards the animals while others say they should be continued for protecting rare animals. Discuss both your views and give your opinion.
Some people argue that zoos are harmful and should be eliminated, while others believe that zoos are important for protecting species. Although zoos can play a role in saving animals, I believe that keeping animals in confined spaces with limited room for movement is unpleasant and unethical.
7
band
Some people prefer to live with a roommate.Others prefer to live alone.Compare the advantage of each choice.Which of these two options do you prefer? use specific reasons to support your answer.
Nowadays , Some people want to live with a roommate while others prefer to live alone. Each situation has its own merits and demerits . In this essay, I will discuss both views with some examples from articles and newspapers In the end, I will conclude this essay with my opinion.

A lot of people who wanted to become professional athletes gave up this idea because of the fear of failure and parents' pressure. Do you think that parents should support their children who want to do a career in sports?

People are not exercising regularly, even though they know it is beneficial for their health. Why is this problem? What can be sone to tackle it?

In some countries, owning a home rather than renting one is very important for people. Why might this be the case? Do you think this is positive or negative situation?

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal, some.people , however ,think that other tips of progress are equally important for country . Discuss both of the view and give your opinion ?

Some people say that zoos should be banned for being cruel towards the animals while others say they should be continued for protecting rare animals. Discuss both your views and give your opinion.

Some people prefer to live with a roommate.Others prefer to live alone.Compare the advantage of each choice.Which of these two options do you prefer? use specific reasons to support your answer.