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Writing Samples
Band 2.5

A lot of people who wanted to become professional athletes gave up this idea because of the fear of failure and parents' pressure. Do you think that parents should support their children who want to do a career in sports?

2.5 / 9
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Introduction
to be
a professional
Correct the article-noun agreement
a professional athlete
professional athletes
show examples
athletes
Use synonyms
 it's not easy like we think. in
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 some of the
failure
Change to a plural noun
failures
show examples
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 professional
athletes
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will give my opinion
why
Change preposition
on why
show examples
Use synonyms
parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
show examples
support
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
big
Add an article
a big
show examples
 impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
firstly
Linking Words
, being an
Use synonyms
athletes
Correct the article-noun agreement
athlete
show examples
 it's not easy
like
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 we think.
young
Capitalize word
Young
show examples
atheletes
Correct your spelling
athletes
 need
pratice
Correct your spelling
practice
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 and
also
Linking Words
 they need to improve their skill day by day. as
weel
Correct your spelling
well
show examples
 as
Use synonyms
parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
show examples
support
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
big
Add an article
a big
show examples
 role in
these situation
Change the determiner
this situation
these situations
show examples
.
Linking Words
for
Capitalize word
For
show examples
 example, when young
athletes
Use synonyms
 can't aim
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 target coach set it will make them sad or demotivation,
parents
Use synonyms
need
Add the particle
need to
show examples
 give the
support
Use synonyms
 and encourage for their
children
Use synonyms
.
moreover
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 put wishes and
expetation
Correct your spelling
expectations
expectation
 on their
children
Use synonyms
thus
Linking Words
 will give more failure and pressure for them.
Body paragraph 2
secondly
Linking Words
, in
general
Add a comma
general,
show examples
 society
think
Correct subject-verb agreement
thinks
show examples
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 an athlete is not
valuable
Correct article usage
a valuable
show examples
 profession
on the other hand
Linking Words
 jobs like doctors,
nurse
Fix the agreement mistake
nurses
show examples
, or
lawyer
Fix the agreement mistake
lawyers
show examples
more
Add a missing verb
are more
show examples
 valuable
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 though some people who
wants
Change the verb form
want
show examples
 to be
athelete
Correct your spelling
athletes
felt
Wrong verb form
feel
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
blindlessand
Correct your spelling
blindness and
 fear for the future.
for
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 need to
support
Use synonyms
 their
children
Use synonyms
what
Change preposition
in what
show examples
 they want in the future and
also
Linking Words
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 judge them so that they
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
felt
Wrong verb form
feel
show examples
 demotivation or fear about
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
.
Conclusion
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that having
support
Use synonyms
 from family is necessary for their
children
Use synonyms
 to become professional
athletes
Use synonyms
.

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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay lacks a clear and logical structure. It's essential to organize thoughts into a cohesive layout with clear paragraphs, beginning with an introduction, followed by body paragraphs, and concluding with a clear conclusion.
Coherence & Cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are critical components of a well-structured essay, but it's evident that this essay has an underdeveloped introduction and no distinct conclusion. It is crucial to include these elements to frame your main points effectively.
Coherence & Cohesion
While the essay touches upon some main points concerning parental support for athletes, it requires more development and clear explanation. Use more structured paragraphs to support your main points effectively.
Task Achievement
The response partially fulfills the task by mentioning parental support for children pursuing athletics but lacks a complete exploration of this complex topic. Ensure that you answer all parts of the question and develop each point with sufficient detail.
Task Achievement
The clarity of the ideas presented is blurry, and they're not comprehensive enough. Focus on clearly stating your ideas, then develop them cohesively to form a complete and in-depth argument.
Task Achievement
The essay lacks specific, relevant examples to support its points. To improve, incorporate concrete examples or anecdotes to illustrate your ideas and arguments vividly.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • parental support
  • ambitions
  • career stability
  • physical health
  • teamwork
  • discipline
  • fame
  • financial success
  • competition
  • risk of injury
  • career span
  • coaching
  • sports management
  • sports medicine
  • backup plan
  • educational background
  • societal pressures
  • expectations
  • mental resilience
  • self-esteem
  • constructive criticism
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