Childhood obesity is becoming a problem throughout the developed world. Because of this, some people think that adverts for fast food, sweets and sugary snacks should not be allowed in schools and colleges. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this? Give the reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

Many people argue that
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
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for unhealthy
cuisine
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cuisines
show examples
such
as fast
food
, sweets and sugary snacks should be prohibited in schools and
Change preposition
on campus
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campus
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campuses
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.
This
is because there is an increasing number of children
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
are suffering from
obesity
because of unhealthy
food
. From my perspective, I strongly agree that
this
is one of the best options to tackle the issue.
This
essay will examine why prohibiting some adverts could be beneficial to reduce the number of childhood
obesity
and how
this
can be done by the government. The reason
of
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for
show examples
the trend
for
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of
show examples
childhood
obesity
these days is quite simple. Study reveals that more and more
students
have suffered from
obesity
because they
was
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were
show examples
attracted by some
food
that
available
Add a missing verb
is available
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on the board in the school. Many
students
tend to do
this
because they think that the advertisement has an appealing design and
offering
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offers
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concession
Add an article
a concession
show examples
. Unfortunately, they are usually ignoring many considerations before buying
food
, whether it is healthy or not
for example
.
Consequently
,
students
are more willing to do
this
again and
this
condition
is lead
Wrong verb form
leads
show examples
to a negative habit that cannot be anticipated.
However
, the government can alleviate
this
issue through having a
strick
Correct your spelling
strict
show examples
rule for the schools and
college
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colleges
show examples
in terms of advertising
stuffs
Change the wording
stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
show examples
.
For instance
, not only schools but
also
college
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colleges
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cannot publish any form of advertisements regarding unhealthy snacks. If they are not obeying
this
law, the government might give a severe punishment for them.
As a result
, there is no chance for
students
to gaze
the
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at the
show examples
adverts. In conclusion, I firmly believe that the case of children
obesity
is an important issue, and
this
notion could be solved by having the
strick
Correct your spelling
strict
show examples
rule in terms of the adverts in
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
and
college
Fix the agreement mistake
colleges
show examples
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Task Achievement
Your essay has a clear position throughout, which is a positive aspect. However, to improve the task response score, ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. You should discuss both sides of the argument, even if you decide to agree with one side more strongly.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've managed to structure your essay with an introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, your essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences that clearly state the main idea of each paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • vulnerability
  • unethical
  • well-being
  • commercial gain
  • cafeteria options
  • nutritional programs
  • fast food advertisements
  • health impacts
  • influence
  • educational environment
  • promote healthier eating habits
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