Childhood obesity is becoming a problem throughout the developed world. Because of this, some people think that adverts for fast food, sweets and sugary snacks should not be allowed in schools and colleges. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this? Give the reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

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Many people argue that
an
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apply
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advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
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for unhealthy
cuisine
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cuisines
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such
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as fast
food
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, sweets and sugary snacks should be prohibited in schools and
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on campus
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campus
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campuses
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.
This
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is because there is an increasing number of children
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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are suffering from
obesity
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because of unhealthy
food
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. From my perspective, I strongly agree that
this
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is one of the best options to tackle the issue.
This
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essay will examine why prohibiting some adverts could be beneficial to reduce the number of childhood
obesity
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and how
this
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can be done by the government. The reason
of
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for
show examples
the trend
for
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of
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childhood
obesity
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these days is quite simple. Study reveals that more and more
students
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have suffered from
obesity
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because they
was
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were
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attracted by some
food
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that
available
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is available
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on the board in the school. Many
students
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tend to do
this
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because they think that the advertisement has an appealing design and
offering
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offers
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concession
Add an article
a concession
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. Unfortunately, they are usually ignoring many considerations before buying
food
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, whether it is healthy or not
for example
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.
Consequently
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,
students
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are more willing to do
this
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again and
this
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condition
is lead
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leads
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to a negative habit that cannot be anticipated.
However
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, the government can alleviate
this
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issue through having a
strick
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strict
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rule for the schools and
college
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colleges
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in terms of advertising
stuffs
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stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
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.
For instance
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, not only schools but
also
Linking Words
college
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colleges
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cannot publish any form of advertisements regarding unhealthy snacks. If they are not obeying
this
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law, the government might give a severe punishment for them.
As a result
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, there is no chance for
students
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to gaze
the
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at the
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adverts. In conclusion, I firmly believe that the case of children
obesity
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is an important issue, and
this
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notion could be solved by having the
strick
Correct your spelling
strict
show examples
rule in terms of the adverts in
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
and
college
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colleges
show examples
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Task Achievement
Your essay has a clear position throughout, which is a positive aspect. However, to improve the task response score, ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. You should discuss both sides of the argument, even if you decide to agree with one side more strongly.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've managed to structure your essay with an introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, your essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences that clearly state the main idea of each paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • vulnerability
  • unethical
  • well-being
  • commercial gain
  • cafeteria options
  • nutritional programs
  • fast food advertisements
  • health impacts
  • influence
  • educational environment
  • promote healthier eating habits
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