Childhood obesity is becoming a problem throughout the developed world. Because of this, some people think that adverts for fast food, sweets and sugary snacks should not be allowed in schools and colleges. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this? Give the reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.
Many people argue that
an
Correct article usage
apply
advertisement
for unhealthy Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
cuisine
Change the noun form
cuisines
such
as fast Linking Words
food
, sweets and sugary snacks should be prohibited in schools and Use synonyms
Change preposition
on campus
campus
. Fix the agreement mistake
campuses
This
is because there is an increasing number of children Linking Words
that
are suffering from Correct pronoun usage
who
obesity
because of unhealthy Use synonyms
food
. From my perspective, I strongly agree that Use synonyms
this
is one of the best options to tackle the issue. Linking Words
This
essay will examine why prohibiting some adverts could be beneficial to reduce the number of childhood Linking Words
obesity
and how Use synonyms
this
can be done by the government.
The reason Linking Words
of
the trend Change preposition
for
for
childhood Change preposition
of
obesity
these days is quite simple. Study reveals that more and more Use synonyms
students
have suffered from Use synonyms
obesity
because they Use synonyms
was
attracted by some Change the verb form
were
food
that Use synonyms
available
on the board in the school. Many Add a missing verb
is available
students
tend to do Use synonyms
this
because they think that the advertisement has an appealing design and Linking Words
offering
Wrong verb form
offers
concession
. Unfortunately, they are usually ignoring many considerations before buying Add an article
a concession
food
, whether it is healthy or not Use synonyms
for example
. Linking Words
Consequently
, Linking Words
students
are more willing to do Use synonyms
this
again and Linking Words
this
condition Linking Words
is lead
to a negative habit that cannot be anticipated.
Wrong verb form
leads
However
, the government can alleviate Linking Words
this
issue through having a Linking Words
strick
rule for the schools and Correct your spelling
strict
college
in terms of advertising Fix the agreement mistake
colleges
stuffs
. Change the wording
stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
For instance
, not only schools but Linking Words
also
Linking Words
college
cannot publish any form of advertisements regarding unhealthy snacks. If they are not obeying Fix the agreement mistake
colleges
this
law, the government might give a severe punishment for them. Linking Words
As a result
, there is no chance for Linking Words
students
to gaze Use synonyms
the
adverts.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that the case of children Change preposition
at the
obesity
is an important issue, and Use synonyms
this
notion could be solved by having the Linking Words
strick
rule in terms of the adverts in Correct your spelling
strict
school
and Fix the agreement mistake
schools
college
.Fix the agreement mistake
colleges
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on
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Task Achievement
Your essay has a clear position throughout, which is a positive aspect. However, to improve the task response score, ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. You should discuss both sides of the argument, even if you decide to agree with one side more strongly.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've managed to structure your essay with an introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, your essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences that clearly state the main idea of each paragraph.