IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many think that religion should be taught in schools while others think it should be avoided. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#religion #schools
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There is an argument that
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 on
religion
 by which to be instructed in
schools
 or to be prohibited. Even though teaching
religion
 in educational institutions has its own benefits, in my opinion, I believe that it should be avoided. On the one hand, when
students
 learn
religion
 in their
schools
, it could offer several advantages to
students
. First and foremost, religious lessons provide them with valuable life wisdom like commitment, passion and patience, guiding them towards a desirable way.
Additionally
, based on these lessons, the educational community could become a more harmonious and cohesive society.
Consequently
, sharing the conviction for certain
religion
Fix the agreement mistake
religions
show examples
 would enable both the school community and
students
 to be more stable and accomplish what they want.
This
 is why,
for example
, mission
schools
 in South Korea are known for their ambience
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
students
 concentrate on studying and the high levels of academic achievement.
On the other hand
, I believe that imparting religious messages in
schools
 could bring forth drawbacks. Essentially speaking, individuals have the
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
 to choose their
religion
.
However
, if
schools
 teach
religion
,
students
 cannot but
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
attend religious classes and they should take part in religious rituals, which means they
didn’t
Wrong verb form
don’t
show examples
 embrace the chance to be exposed to various
religion
Fix the agreement mistake
religions
show examples
 and decide their
religion
 following their own
wills
Fix the agreement mistake
will
show examples
.
Secondly
, when
students
 encounter religious lessons in a compulsory way in
schools
, they could have grievances against certain
religion
Fix the agreement mistake
religions
show examples
, leading to harmful effects on society in the long term.
Therefore
, teaching
religion
 to
students
 in an obligatory way should be avoided. In conclusion,
although
 mission
schools
 have
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 own merits,
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 my
point-of-view
Correct your spelling
point of view
show examples
, I am still convinced that they could yield undesirable outcomes.
Submitted by ssm921 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Expand on your points by further elaboration or including more comprehensive examples. Use a wider range of cohesive devices and vary paragraph structure.
Task Achievement
Fully address all parts of the task, ensuring you discuss both views and your own opinion comprehensively. Provide more detailed examples to illustrate your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • religious education
  • multi-faith society
  • values and ethics
  • tolerance
  • diversity
  • religious freedom
  • secular education
  • curriculum
  • worldviews
  • interfaith dialogue
  • religious literacy
  • moral guidance
  • cultural understanding
  • critical thinking
  • respect
  • indoctrination
  • religious beliefs
  • secular state
  • religious extremism
  • academic subject
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