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Band 5

Discuss the Impact of E-Money on Financial Inclusion in Indonesia!

#impact #e-money #inclusion #indonesia
The development of financial technology has expanded in recent years. One of their products is electronic money. There are some platforms that play a role
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 it like Dana, Gopay, OVO, LinkAja, etc. Electronic money or
e-money
 has made a big difference in
Indonesia
. It has disrupted traditional banking.
Additionaly
Correct your spelling
Additionally
, we don't have to carry cash because we can pay with only
scan
Fix the agreement mistake
scans
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our smartphones.
However
, with the advantages come some disadvantages.
This
 essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of using
e-money
. More people now use
e-money
, bridging the gap between those with and without bank accounts. The positive impact is very clear, easy access to financial services. Traditional banks need physical buildings, making it hard for people in remote
areas
. Sulit bg yg bermobilitas tinggi.
E-money
, operated with mobile phones, doesn't need a physical presence.
Besides
 that,
e-money
 goes beyond more convenience; it
serves as
Verb problem
has
show examples
 a significant impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the growth of small businesses. Micro entrepreneurs have
made
Add a missing verb
been made
show examples
dificult
Correct your spelling
difficult
 by a lack of required documents for conventional banks. So, the role of
e-money
 can become a solution to it. The easy registration processes are offered by some
e-money
 platforms that empower small businesses, enabling them not only to embrace digital payments but
also
 to broaden their customer base
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can expand their business. Despite its advantages,
e-money
 in
Indonesia
 faces challenges and drawbacks. The huge area of
Indonesia
 has the
challange
Correct your spelling
challenge
 of it, as there are
areas
 with no signal or coverage, making
e-money
 usage difficult.
Additionally
, in rural
areas
, people encounter challenges using
e-money
due to
 limited familiarity with digital tools. So, these obstacles highlight the importance of
faces
Replace the word
facing
show examples
 connectivity issues and enhancing digital literacy to make it effective
e-money
 adoption across all regions in
Indonesia
. In conclusion,
e-money
's impact on financial inclusion in
Indonesia
 is huge. It has improved financial service access and helped small businesses to develop.
Besides
 that, many different cultures and
areas
 have
become
Verb problem
made it
show examples
 impossible to use
e-money
.
Moreover
, as
e-money
 services continue growing in
Indonesia
, they can bring financial access closer, offering economic opportunities for everyone.
Submitted by jidiyosua on

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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, ensure that paragraphs are well-organized with clear topic sentences that introduce the central idea followed by supporting sentences that provide evidence or examples. Transitions between ideas should be smooth and contribute to the overall flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
While the essay includes an introduction and conclusion, they could be strengthened by making the thesis statement more explicit in the introduction and tying back to this thesis more clearly in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Main points are generally supported; however, consider expanding on examples and providing more in-depth analysis of how e-money contributes to financial inclusion rather than just stating facts.
task achievement
The task has been completed with a clear response to the prompt;. however, the response could be improved by providing a deeper analysis and more balanced discussion that weighs both the positive and negative aspects of e-money in Indonesia.
task achievement
Ideas presented are understandable but could be expressed more comprehensively, including a broader range of aspects related to financial inclusion and ensuring that explanations are thorough and well-developed.
task achievement
Ensure that specific examples provided are relevant and clearly illustrate the points being made. It would be beneficial to include more examples from credible sources to support claims about the impact of e-money.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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