IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drinks contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drinks #level #sugars #health #products #people #sugar
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Many
products
 these days use
sugar
 as
one
 of their ingredients
specially
Replace the word
especially
show examples
 in the food and drink industry. People demand that processed goods with high doses of
sugar
, the reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 many health problems,
should
Verb problem
apply
show examples
be more pricey so people will be hesitant and consume less
sugar
. I strongly disagree with
this
 view, because it will be unfair for the home industry that uses
sugar
 as their main ingredients and even the low
sugar
products
.
Home
Add an article
The home
show examples
 industry will get the most impact from
this
 issue. Statistically, they lower their profit with the accommodation of more quantities to be sold so they can keep for their living. If the high sugary
products
 were expensive, they might not keep the business and the world economy would collapse as it made up 70% of the home industries.
For instance
,
one
 Indonesian region reached the highest economic fall because of increases in the
price
 of
sugar
products
. It is
also
 unfair for some factories that use
sugar
 in low doses. To make
one
 they usually need to buy the
sugar
 in bulk so the
price
 of ingredients will be higher than before and they need to raise their
price
. If authorities decide on
this
 path,
then
 only the bigger factories, brands, and companies will be able to survive. People will have
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 choices on the
products
 to enjoy the taste of
sugar
. Sugary
products
 could be monopolized by
one
 company
furthermore
 it is not great for nation growth. In conclusion, higher
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 on
products
 that use high
sugar
 are not the best recommendation to tackle health problems. The
rises
Fix the agreement mistake
rise
show examples
 of
sugar
 goods for food and drinks could even lead to world downfall.
Submitted by claudideborah on

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Task Achievement
It is critical to maintain a clear position throughout the essay and ensure that all paragraphs support this position coherently. Although some arguments are presented, the essay occasionally diverts from the main topic of the impact of increasing prices on sugar consumption and health problems. Instead, it focuses on the potential economic implications of the home industry, which dilutes the main argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
You should work on constructing clearer and more logical connections between your main ideas. The introduction of new points should be seamlessly integrated into the existing argument structure. Also, more varied cohesive devices could be employed to help signpost the reader through the essay's line of reasoning.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sugar consumption
  • Sin taxes
  • Price elasticity
  • Health implications
  • Obesity
  • Diabetes
  • Dental caries
  • Subsidies
  • Clear labeling
  • Educational campaigns
  • Regressive tax
  • Healthier choices
  • Reformulation
  • Consumer autonomy
  • Dietary choices
  • Sugar tax
  • Heart disease
  • Behavioral economics
  • Public health
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