IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Governments investment in arts, music and theatre is a waste of money. Government should invest these funds in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement.

#governments #investment #arts #music #theatre #waste #money #government #funds #services
There are some arguments both for and against investing
government
Change preposition
in government
show examples
. I personally strongly agree with developing various
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
 of
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
show examples
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss more. Over recent decades, many people have been trying to learn and attend
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the different classes relevant to
arts
. They argue that the community needs to be happy and joyful, so most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
families expect to the
government
promotion
Replace the word
promote
show examples
 and invest
to
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in
show examples
 youth, who are interested in continuing their studies in the
arts
, and after
graduate
Replace the word
graduation
show examples
, the
government
 provide
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
 of jobs.
For instance
, cinema,
theater
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theatre
show examples
, music, and drawing. Investing
to
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in
show examples
 these majors, not only do they bring
most
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the most
show examples
 happiness to
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
 but
also
 students will motivate to
studying
Wrong verb form
study
show examples
 better in their
interest
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interests
show examples
.
For example
, the
one’s
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ones
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 who
educate
Wrong verb form
are educated
show examples
on
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in
show examples
 music,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are more willing to
life
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live
show examples
. I think, from a social viewpoint, living with happiness is valuable.
On the other hand
, many commentators are of the view that investing in public services has several benefits. They believe that if
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 spend
money
 on general services, like public transportation, health services, and education systems, whole of the society will use them. They
also
 argue that spending
money
 on art is a waste
money
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of money
show examples
 and not
profitable
Add an article
a profitable
the profitable
show examples
 thing for
general
Correct article usage
the general
show examples
. In their opinion, the people who live in the suburbs should have free transportation for daily life and benefit from
this
 subject not
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
.
Due to
 the reason mentioned above, I would argue that investing
money
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
 will be able to make people
happiness
Replace the word
happy
show examples
 and hope
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 life more than past.
Submitted by s_karimi2002 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction should present the argument briefly, while the conclusion should summarize the discussion and reiterate your stance. Each paragraph must have a clear central idea.
coherence cohesion
Use cohesive devices appropriately to help your essay flow logically from one idea to the next. These devices include linking words like 'however', 'therefore', and 'for example'. It is equally important to vary these expressions to demonstrate a wide range of language.
task achievement
Support your main ideas with specific examples or evidence. When you provide an argument, follow it with an example that illustrates your point. Whenever possible, use real-world examples or data for a more effective argument.
task achievement
Your response must fully address all parts of the task. The prompt asks to what extent you agree or disagree, which means your essay should clearly state your position and explain it throughout the essay, not just in the conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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