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Band 4.5

Sport is becoming a business. More and more companies are getting involved in sporting events. Do you think that it is a positive or negative development?

#sport #business #companies #events #development
These days,
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 being commercialized. More and more organizations are engaged in
sports
 occasions. I have a positive view
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 development and will show my arguments below. The first reason why companies should get involved in
sports
 is that they can improve
sports
 infrastructures in various fields in numerous countries. When the number of
sports
 facilities increases in societies,
people
 are encouraged and motivated to participate in different
sports
. In fact,
people
 can have many various choices to do
sports
, which they are keen on, and
in other words
, doing
sports
 activities can be common among individuals in communities.
Therefore
, every country can have more professional athletes than before and make
a
Remove the article
apply
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noticeable progress in its
sports
 competitions at national and international levels. Another reason is that companies can be known in various places because some of them are strange
for
Change preposition
to
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 a wide range of
people
over
Rephrase
all over
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 the world. Individuals, in fact, are not familiar with them, and they do not have any comprehensive information about their products.
For example
, there may be a company that produces
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
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 trainers, but it can not sell its products
because
Add the preposition
because of
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 the lack of popularity. When
this
 organization invests in
sports
, it can be introduced to
people
 and athletes. 
As a result
,
such
 individuals are inspired to purchase its products and try them. By doing so, the company can make a high profit for itself and gain many fans and customers.
To conclude
, since the
sports
 facilities in a country can be promoted, and companies can be known among various
people
 in the world, I believe that organizations should engage in
sports
 .
Submitted by sarmastsobhan1994 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines both sides of the argument before stating your position. This sets clear expectations for the reader.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop each paragraph with a clear main idea supported by examples or further explanation. Avoid general statements without concrete examples.
Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, make sure to fully address the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of the topic, even if your position leans towards one.
Coherence & Cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases to ensure a smoother flow of ideas and better coherence.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate your points. This will provide clarity and strengthen the argument presented.

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