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Band 4.5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members ofsociety. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #ofsociety #school #place
Becoming a good individual in
society
 is a very challenging
process
.There is a belief that
parents
 should assist their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
 in
this
process
 as they have plenty of experience to share,
while
other category
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another category
other categories
show examples
 of individuals
along with
 me suppose that
acadedmic
Correct your spelling
academic
 institutions
such
 as
schools
 are
in
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at
show examples
 the
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 of
this
 development because
of
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apply
show examples
children
 are exposed to free
interations
Correct your spelling
interactions
 with others which is in fact
first
Add an article
the first
show examples
 step towards being a good member of
society
. On the one
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 parenting has
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 role in fostering
necessary
Correct article usage
the necessary
show examples
 skills and features required for being a good person because
parents
 represent the characteristics of good members of
society
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
children
 and they pass on their wisdom to their kids by giving them
feedbacks
Fix the agreement mistake
feedback
show examples
 and instructions to their actions so they could differ qualities needed to be a good person.
Children
 receiving
feedbacks
Fix the agreement mistake
feedback
show examples
 or sometimes getting punishments for the
consecuences
Correct your spelling
consequences
 of their actions are very likely not to repeat those same mistakes
over
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apply
show examples
which in collection sets a frame for being good.When I was a toddler I remember that my mother used to lock my cars in case I behaved badly in
kindergarden
Correct your spelling
kindergarten
 which first made me really angry at her but
then
 I learnt a valuable lesson of behaving well around others so I would not again be separated from my lovely cars.
Therefore
parents
 are important in
this
process
.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
schools
 are the first places where kids directly interact with other members of
society
 which is vital in
evolution
Add an article
the evolution
show examples
 of social skills needed to
upbring
Correct your spelling
bring
 a good representative of
society
.Schoolers chat,laugh,argue and apologise and these apart from being a regular routine help them to get a basic understanding and rules of interaction with others which is a valuable lesson that can not be acquired from parenting alone and
children
 who were constantly attending
schools
 are more likely to become successful and generally good in comparison with those who never went to school.Many young girls in Afganistan are not allowed to attend
schools
as a result
 they not only lag behind
from
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apply
show examples
thir
Correct your spelling
their
 peers in education but their social ability as well
fail
Correct subject-verb agreement
fails
show examples
 to develop.
Thus
schools
 are crucial in it. In conclusion,despite
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
 of
parents
 in
process
Correct article usage
the process
show examples
 of
bring
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bringing
show examples
 up a potential good member of
society
Add a comma
society,
show examples
 they do not greatly contribute to
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of social skills that
schools
 do which is one of the most important features of a good person.
Submitted by qodirxojaevizzat90 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a recognizable logical structure but needs more clarity in paragraphing, specifically with clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. The transition between ideas can be smoother.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be improved to better showcase your main argument and summarise the points made. Currently, the introduction is too brief and lacks a clear thesis statement, while the conclusion could more clearly reaffirm your stance.
coherence cohesion
You have supported your main points with explanations and one personal example. However, to strengthen your argument further, include more varied and detailed examples that directly relate to the prompt. Avoid generic statements and aim for clear and specific evidence to back up your claims.
task achievement
Although you address both views and provide your own opinion as the task requires, your essay could benefit from a more thorough exploration of both perspectives. Ensure that you fully develop each point with explanations and examples before concluding with your own perspective for a more balanced and complete response.
task achievement
The ideas you have presented are relevant and there is an attempt to explain them, but they need to be articulated in a more comprehensive and structured manner for the reader to easily follow your line of reasoning. Be accurate with your language usage to better convey your message.
task achievement
Some specific examples are included, but they need to be more relevant and effective. Make sure your examples directly support the point you're making and contribute effectively to the overall argument. Additionally, try to showcase a broader range of examples to cover the full scope of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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