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Band 4.5

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweight the disadvantages?

#information #individuals #internet #companies #organisations #outweight
It has been a growing argument
that
Change preposition
about
show examples
 whether or not large
internet
companies
 or organisations should store personal
information
.
While
 there are certain benefits, the disadvantages definitely exceed the advantages. I will present my arguments in
this
 essay. In order to use the services provided by large
internet
companies
, users often need to provide personal
information
such
 as name, IP address, and age. Large
internet
companies
,
such
 as Google or Facebook, are of course highly trusted for their technology and facilities, allowing them to store and secure users’ personal
information
. Those
companies
 spend millions of dollars every year in advancing their
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 and facilities, compared to regular people could just spend thousands of dollars on their
smart phone
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
 or
labtop
Correct your spelling
laptops
.
However
, with complete access to those personal
information
, those
internet
companies
 or organisations
also
 profit dramatically by selling those personal
information
. It has become a common practice that advertising
companies
 buy personal
information based
Add a hyphen
information-based
show examples
 profiles or tags from large
internet
companies
 in order to create a more successful
advertisment compaign
Correct your spelling
advertising campaign
.
For example
, Google creates personal
infromation based
Correct your spelling
information-based
 profiles and tags and
sell
Correct subject-verb agreement
sells
show examples
 them to
advertiseoment
Correct your spelling
advertisement
advertisements
 or brand
companies
.
While
 those tags
contains
Change the verb form
contain
show examples
 personal
information
, it helps advertising
companies
 to
tract
Correct your spelling
track
show examples
 down the more vulnerable consumers and push the advertisement or
compaign
Correct your spelling
campaign
 directly to them. In conclusion,
while
 large
internet
companies
 or organisations spend enormous
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of money on improving their equipment and facilities, they
also
 earn billions of dollars every year by selling
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
personal
information
 to advertising or
brands
Change the noun form
brand
show examples
companies
, which allows those advertising
companies
 to sell their products more effectively. The negative effect is definitely greater and
deserve
Change the verb form
deserves
show examples
further
 public discussion .
Submitted by joannechao on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure you have a clear introduction, body and conclusion. You provide these, but the sentences within paragraphs should transition smoother.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with clear explanations or examples. Try to expand upon your points with a variety of examples or evidence.
coherence cohesion
Finish with a conclusion that summarizes your essay well and restates your central argument in a strong manner. While you do have a conclusion, make it more impactful by summarizing the key points.
task achievement
Thoroughly address the task and make sure to present a balanced discussion. You need to explore both the advantages and disadvantages in more depth and provide a more rounded argument.
task achievement
Make your ideas clearer and more precise. While you do bring up interesting points, you need to explain your ideas more comprehensively. Breaking down concepts and explaining reasoning behind statements will help.
task achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate arguments. You have one example about Google but be careful with accuracy and try to use a range of examples to support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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