There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is a belief that students should only focus on academic

subjects

Use synonyms

in order to get high grades. Because of

this

Linking Words

, others believe that non-academic

subjects

Use synonyms

should be removed. Personally, I disagree with these notions, I think every student

need

Correct subject-verb agreement

needs

show examples

to study sports or paint. The first reason why I believe that non-academic

subjects

Use synonyms

are needed

because

Add a missing verb

is because

show examples

the purpose of

this

Linking Words

lesson is to boost a student's skills. Schools

require

Wrong verb form

are required

show examples

to help pupils

Verb problem

apply

show examples

find their passions with experienced teachers and proper facilities that they can not get from their homes. From

this

Linking Words

action, many of them are able to attend some good competitions that are totally useful.

Furthermore

Linking Words

, most of them prefer to learn any kind of sports rather than sitting

Change preposition

show examples

a classroom.

For instance

Linking Words

, a recent study

shown

Add the auxiliary verb

showed

has shown

show examples

that many professional athletes came from

school

Fix the agreement mistake

schools

show examples

that had many clubs

such

Linking Words

as basketball and badminton.

In addition

Linking Words

, if students had extreme pressure on academic achievement, it could make them feel

stress

Wrong verb form

stressed

show examples

Besides

Linking Words

this

Linking Words

, in terms of employment, if there were no more physical

subjects

Use synonyms

, the rate of unemployment would be increasing. The reason is because

Change preposition

apply

show examples

many professional

professions

Replace the word

professionals

show examples

begin to seek jobs in schools since some of them are

hardly

Change the word

hard

show examples

to get. To illustrate, research in 2011 revealed that more than 15% of people who

graduates

Wrong verb form

graduated

show examples

from physical

major

Fix the agreement mistake

majors

show examples

decided to switch careers to be a teacher. In conclusion, I highly disagree with the idea that non-academic

subjects

Use synonyms

should be removed

Linking Words

then

Correct your spelling

than

show examples

focusing on academics because it leads to

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

impacts

for

Change preposition

show examples

students

Change noun form

students'

student's

show examples

mental health and people's income.

ieltswriting91Thu Jan 18 2024

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Introduction

The essay should have a clearer, more articulated introduction stating the topic and your stance on it. Providing a thesis statement at the end of the introduction could strengthen your argument.

Body Paragraphs

Ensure that main body paragraphs begin with clear topic sentences that tell the reader what the paragraph will be about. Support these points with specific examples or evidence.

Conclusion

In the conclusion, succinctly summarize your main points and restate your opinion to reinforce your argument. Avoid introducing new ideas at this stage.

Coherence and Cohesion

Work on varying the sentence structures and using a wider range of linking words to improve the flow of ideas.

Task Response

Provide more specific examples and evidence to back up your main points. The examples given are a bit general; more detailed instances would strengthen your argument.

7
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
17
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

261 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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