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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people prefer to go to gym and clubs for health care but others say walking and jumping stairs are more effective. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #gym #clubs #health #care #stairs
There are many
ways
 in which individuals try to stay fit.
while
 some people opt for exercising at gyms and clubs, others suggest that walking and jumping the
stairs
 is a better method of achieving good health.
Although
 both methods are good, I believe that walking and jumping
stairs
 on a regular basis is enough exercise to stay in shape. The benefits of both methods will be discussed in the following paragraphs. On the
one
 hand , there are a lot of people who believe that, for
one
 to keep fit, the gym and clubhouses have to be visited.though
this
 is partly true, the fact still remains that different
ways
 of exercising the joints and muscles of the body can be performed at an athletic facility, where there is
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 added advantage of being supervised by a gym instructor,
also
, there are accessible machines which can be used to perform various exercises.
For instance
, a report says that the majority of the athletes visit a gym at least every week, in order to stay strong and healthy.
On the other hand
, individuals who are not disposed to visiting an athletic facility or clubs may prefer to engage in walking and running exercises which could be done on the
stairs
.
This
 method is much easy and accessible to almost everyone, who is interested in finding
ways
 to stretch the joints and muscles.
Moreover
,
due to
 lack of time ,lack of finance and
one's
Correct word choice
poor
show examples
 lifestyle, majority of the people may not have the time to visit a gymnasium for physical training. Thereby,
instead
 of being hindered from having a physical fitness test
due to
 the aforementioned constraints, they tend to opt for moving around the
stairs
. A good example is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research carried out in the
U.S
Correct your spelling
U.S.
, relating to
ways
 in which weight can be lost,
discovered
Correct pronoun usage
which discovered
show examples
 that regular walking and running help to break down fats in the body,
therefore
, reducing weight and keeping
one
 fit.
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coherence cohesion
Make sure to have a clear logical structure throughout the essay. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and the following sentences should expand on that idea coherently.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be made stronger by clearly stating your main argument in the introduction and summarizing your points more effectively in the conclusion.
task achievement
Support your main points with more developed examples or data to enhance the persuasiveness and depth of your essay. This will strengthen the task achievement.
task achievement
Ensure clarity in your ideas and expressions. Try to present your thoughts in a way that's easy to follow and understand for the reader.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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