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Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
Nowadays, numerous processed foods and
beverages
 have high
sugar
 content, leading to more
people
 suffering from health issues
such
 as diabetes. To solve
this
 problem, some believe that it is crucial to heighten the
price
 of
products
 containing high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
sugar
, which will lessen the amount of
sugar
 being consumed by
individuals
.
This
 passage discusses why it is a good idea to do so. If
this
 idea were about to be implemented, it is going to take a long time to
finally
 be implemented optimally. Many producing companies have measured the cost and
price
that is
 suitable for their
products
, which might be difficult for them if
this
 regulation is going to be applied. Another problem that might arise is the impact that might
happen
Verb problem
have
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 low-income
individuals
.
For instance
, in some countries, soda is one of the cheapest
beverages
 someone can buy
while
also
 providing those who consume it with energy from
sugar
, which is one of the reasons why many
people
 buy it, especially those with low income.
However
, there are many advantages that
also
 need to be considered. The first one
being
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 improvements of the
people
. The heightened
price
 of these
products
also
 means that
people
 are going to buy foods and
beverages
 that are cheaper
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when compared to processed
products
.
This
 will encourage
individuals
 to
also
 understand the importance of eating healthier food, which hopefully will be cheaper compared to unhealthy food. As an example,
people
 who are used to
buy
Wrong verb form
buying
show examples
high
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
show examples
sugar
 level drinks
are hoped
Wrong verb form
hope
show examples
 to be drinking more water or homemade juice which will be cheaper in
price
. These reasons will hopefully be the reasons why
people
 switch to a healthier lifestyle in the future. All in all, marking up the
price
 of foods and
beverages
 containing high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
sugar
 is expected to have more positive changes to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society as it will help
individuals
 to have a healthier diet.
Submitted by anindyadewi58 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, and that ideas progress smoothly from one to the next. Use linking words to better connect sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
For your introduction and conclusion, make sure to restate the topic and clearly present your standpoint. In your conclusion, succinctly summarize your main points to reinforce your argument.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more specific examples and evidence. Detailed examples help illustrate your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
task achievement
Address the prompt completely by discussing both sides of the argument, which you have done. However, make sure to articulate your position more clearly and maintain a consistent viewpoint throughout your essay.
task achievement
Develop your ideas fully by explaining how and why making sugary products more expensive would impact consumers' choices and health. Include more comprehensive analysis and a wider range of arguments to strengthen your response.
task achievement
Although you provided an example with soda consumption among low-income individuals, aim to include more diverse and relevant examples to support your points. This will help to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and improve your score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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