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Band 5

Some people feel that equality between the genders has already been achieved while others feel there is considerable progress to be made. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #equality #genders #progress
Many are of the opinion that nowadays
the
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males and
the
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females
 have equal rights;
however
, others maintain that there are still significant changes to be made in order to reach
this
 point. As far as I am concerned, I completely agree with the viewpoint of the latter.
Nevertheless
,
this
 essay will analyze both perspectives
along with
 supportive examples. On the one hand, some might believe that
the
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equality
 has already been achieved
,
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 because
after
Add the comma(s)
, after
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 years of fights,
women
 in a majority of
the
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countries
finally
 have
a
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the
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 right to vote in elections.
This
 validation is widely thought to be a key factor, as it is, to a considerable extent, a sign of
a
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free will for humans.
For example
, in Poland,
females
 struggled to obtain suffrage for almost 50 years, so
this
 establishment was a turning point in terms of
equality
 between the genders.
However
, some argue that there are still crucial steps to be taken in order to accomplish
equality
 between
the
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men and
women
.
This
 is
due to
 numerous protests and strikes, regarding
unfairness
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the unfairness
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 of treating people of different genders, that are constantly taking place in many countries all around the world. France is a prime example, where
females
 have recently organized a campaign against inequality of salaries in workplaces.
Thus
,
it is clear that
 despite
signifiant
Correct your spelling
significant
 improvements that have already been made, in many countries there is still
demand
Correct article usage
a demand
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 for
further
 corrections in
equality
 between
the
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females
 and
the
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males.
To conclude
, the debate on whether
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men and
women
 have equivalent prerogatives is complex and multifaceted.
Although
,
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apply
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women
 already have the right to vote in elections, I maintain that
due to
 ongoing
strikes
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strikes,
show examples
 there is still an undeniable need for improvement.
Submitted by gabadlugo on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, each highlighting the main points and presenting your arguments effectively.
Task Achievement
Try to present a more nuanced examination of the topic with an acknowledgment of nuances and complexities.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to ensure seamless flow and clear connections between ideas.
Task Achievement
Strengthen the body paragraphs with more detailed and specific examples to support your arguments.
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