In many countries the proportion of older is steadily increasing

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, the number of old people in some countries
is increase
Change the verb form
is increasing
show examples
. Some people believe that there are both
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
and
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
these phenomenon
Change the determiner
this phenomenon
these phenomena
show examples
. On the one hand,
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
are undoubtedly
having
Verb problem
gaining
show examples
more and more experience in terms of theory and practice. It is one of the most considerable
statement
Fix the agreement mistake
statements
show examples
because they had learnt and applied the knowledge for many years.
For example
Linking Words
, the traditional health practioner
which
Correct your spelling
with
show examples
skill
full
Correct word choice
and full
show examples
of experience easy to diagnose from the shymthomp and some
characteristic
Fix the agreement mistake
characteristics
show examples
which already occur in the patient’s body. In a short
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
we can know what
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health issue we have.
Then
Linking Words
, all the students from
university
Add an article
the university
show examples
have
a
Change the article
an
show examples
opportunity to take
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
direct practice from the old practitioner.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, old people will
spent
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
more in terms of pension. In some
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
the elderly
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
under the protection of
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
. The elderly get monthly funding from the country. How much money should government spend in a year to make sure the elderly care
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
If we can allocate the money for education, it
is
Wrong verb form
will be
show examples
better for
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
generation in the future.
For instance
Linking Words
, the school or the university will get
a new equipment
Remove the article
new equipment
a piece of new equipment
show examples
that
full
Add a missing verb
is full
show examples
of innovations.
However
Linking Words
, it
just
Add a missing verb
is just
show examples
an assumption to allocate all
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
budget
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
the elderly. In conclusion,
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
care
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
elderly is important but take care and make sure the future generations
more
Add a missing verb
are more
show examples
and more substantial.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
You should work on clearly outlining your main points in both the introduction and the conclusion. It's important that your essay has a strong thesis statement that sets the direction for your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, which is then supported by specific examples or explanations. This not only strengthens your argument, but also aids the reader in following your line of thought.
task achievement
To improve task response, you need to fully address all parts of the prompt. Make sure that you provide a balanced discussion of the benefits and drawbacks, and support them with specific details and examples. Your essay currently presents general ideas without deeply exploring them.
task achievement
Your examples should be more detailed and directly relevant to the point you're making. Instead of hypothetical situations, use concrete evidence or real-world scenarios to illustrate your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on your grammatical range and accuracy. There are several grammatical errors that disrupt the flow and clarity of your essay. Consider studying sentence structure, verb tenses, and the use of articles. Proofreading your work would help to identify and correct these errors.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: