IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The increase in crime rate in cities is a major concern for governments. Discuss the causes of this increase and

#crime #rate #cities #concern #governments
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Nowadays, various reasons like financial pressure and some tempting amount of money which can be earned by convicting the
crimes
 can lead to a notable increase in
crime
 rate in
cities
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in metropolitan
cities
.
This
 essay argues some roots including the financial problems, lack of preventive
rules
 and the role of family.
Then
, some proposed remedies and measures like fundraising for
this
 matter
as well as
 the roles of parents and government that could be taken into account in order to alleviate
this
 problem are presented afterward. In terms of reasons causing
this
 pressing problem, the first one to consider is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 reduced circumstances in
cities
 that some families are facing.
In other words
, if poverty is widespread in society, people
in particular
 financial responsible
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
families are more likely to contemplate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime
.
Also
, the preventive
rules
 that can decrease the possibility of
crime
 commitment can help. Another intrinsic factor that plays a vital role in
this
 detrimental problem is that the lack of paternal guidance and moral guidelines may lead youngsters astray.
Therefore
, rarely can we find a prisoner
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 has been nurtured in a family paying attention to their culture and ethics. To propose some related suggestions, the government not only has to make an effort to alleviate poverty
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 pass some
rules
 and commensurate punishments to deter
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
potential criminals from
convicting
Verb problem
committing
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crimes
.
Also
, the authorities have to raise the funds allocated to the passed
rules
 to ensure
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 applicability throughout the
cities
.
On the other hand
, families have to set some guidelines to nurture their children.
This
 can reduce the possibility of
crime
 commitment.
To conclude
, it is argued that some financial restrictions may cause
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crimes
 in
cities
 and the government has the responsibility to cope with them improving the economic situation.
Also
, the lawmakers have to introduce some
rules
 that put the criminals off the street.
Moreover
, paying proper attention to the nurturing of young people can lead to a decrease in juvenile
crimes
.
Submitted by hamidreza.rezaei21 on

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Task Response
Ensure that the introduction provides a clear outline of the topics to be discussed, keeping the focus on the causes of the increase in crime rate, and conclude with a relevant summation.
Task Response
Organize your main points clearly, using separate paragraphs for each cause and solution, and ensure that every point is directly related to the increase in crime rate in cities.
Coherence and Cohesion
Maintain a logical flow throughout your essay. Use appropriate transition words to connect ideas and create a cohesive argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Provide specific examples to support your points. Instead of making general statements, use data, studies, or real-world examples to strengthen your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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