Some people believe that money for education mainly be spent on better computers while others believe it would be better on teachers. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
In the current
education
system
, some people argue that it is demanded to prioritize more budget on digitalization or providing sophisticated computers to students while
some individuals believe that giving more salary to teacher
is more essential. Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
Therefore
, in this
essay
I would like to give Add a comma
essay,
meticulous
explanation regarding both sides and explain why it is more urgent to provide higher Add an article
a meticulous
wage
to Fix the agreement mistake
wages
the
Correct article usage
apply
teachers
so that our education
system
can be better.
It is argued that educational funding should give more priority to school's
devices, Change noun form
school
such
as computers or laptop
. Fix the agreement mistake
laptops
This
technology could help students to acquire more knowledge and, if possible, download a
trusted journals as Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
source
of Add an article
a source
informations
. Change the wording
information
pieces of information
Consequenly
, pupils will do their homework more diligently.
Correct your spelling
Consequently
However
, in this
era
Add a comma
era,
teachers
are not paid well enough to do their jobs. For instance
, the amount of salary from a local teacher
Indonesia
is still in the range of 500.000 - 3.000.000 rupiah. The number is quite low compared to the Change preposition
in Indonesia
neightbourhood
countries, let's say Malaysia and Thailand, that pay their Correct your spelling
neighbourhood
teachers
more than 5 million rupiah
. Change to a plural noun
rupiahs
Therefore
, educational money allocation should be spent more in
providing better prosperity to the Change preposition
on
teachers
.
Moreover
, in my perception, when the
educators have enough money they will be more serious Correct article usage
apply
in giving
Verb problem
about
a
learning. Remove the article
apply
For example
, I have a friend who used to be a contract teacher
with low
income and he seemed to always complain about his job. Correct article usage
a low
As a result
, he did not take his job seriously. However
, when he was offered a permanent and got promotion
, he became a superlative Add an article
a promotion
the promotion
teacher
. This
proves that giving more attention to teachers
' income will improve our education
system
.
To conclude
, budget allocation in education
can be utilized in providing better computers or higer
Correct your spelling
higher
salary
to the Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
teachers
. Both sides have their own benefits, nevertheless
I believe that giving better prosperity to educators will improve our Add a comma
nevertheless,
education
system
.Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on
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Task Achievement
Ensure that examples provided are relevant and specific. In this essay, more detailed examples could be used to illustrate points about the importance of teacher salaries or the impact of technology in education. Instead of mentioning a friend's anecdote, which may not be universally relatable, consider using a broader study or statistic to support your viewpoint.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay shows a good command of coherence, maintaining a logical flow of ideas. However, it's important to make clearer distinctions between paragraphs and ensure each paragraph focuses on a singular main point. Use transitional phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and provide clear topic sentences for each paragraph.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and articulate the main points and the author's opinion. Still, these sections could be strengthened by providing a more detailed background and a stronger restatement of the main argument in the conclusion. A more engaging hook at the beginning could also enhance the impact of your essay.
