IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that money for education mainly be spent on better computers while others believe it would be better on teachers. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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In the current
education
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system
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, some people argue that it is demanded to prioritize more budget on digitalization or providing sophisticated computers to students
while
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 some individuals believe that giving more salary to
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teacher
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teachers
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 is more essential.
Therefore
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, in
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I would like to give
meticulous
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a meticulous
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 explanation regarding both sides and explain why it is more urgent to provide higher
wage
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wages
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 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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teachers
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 so that our
education
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system
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 can be better. It is argued that educational funding should give more priority to
school's
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school
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 devices,
such
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 as computers or
laptop
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laptops
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.
This
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 technology could help students to acquire more knowledge and, if possible, download
a
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apply
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trusted journals as
source
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a source
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 of
informations
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information
pieces of information
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.
Consequenly
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Consequently
, pupils will do their homework more diligently.
However
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, in
this
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era
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era,
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teachers
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 are not paid well enough to do their jobs.
For instance
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, the amount of salary from a local
teacher
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Indonesia
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in Indonesia
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 is still in the range of 500.000 - 3.000.000 rupiah. The number is quite low compared to the
neightbourhood
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neighbourhood
 countries, let's say Malaysia and Thailand, that pay their
teachers
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 more than 5 million
rupiah
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rupiahs
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.
Therefore
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, educational money allocation should be spent more
in
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on
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 providing better prosperity to the
teachers
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.
Moreover
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, in my perception, when
the
Correct article usage
apply
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educators have enough money they will be more serious
in giving
Verb problem
about
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a
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apply
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learning.
For example
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, I have a friend who used to be a contract
teacher
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 with
low
Correct article usage
a low
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 income and he seemed to always complain about his job.
As a result
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, he did not take his job seriously.
However
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, when he was offered a permanent and got
promotion
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a promotion
the promotion
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, he became a superlative
teacher
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.
This
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 proves that giving more attention to
teachers
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' income will improve our
education
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system
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.
To conclude
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, budget allocation in
education
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 can be utilized in providing better computers or
higer
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higher
salary
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salaries
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 to the
teachers
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. Both sides have their own benefits,
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nevertheless
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nevertheless,
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 I believe that giving better prosperity to educators will improve our
education
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system
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.

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Task Achievement
Ensure that examples provided are relevant and specific. In this essay, more detailed examples could be used to illustrate points about the importance of teacher salaries or the impact of technology in education. Instead of mentioning a friend's anecdote, which may not be universally relatable, consider using a broader study or statistic to support your viewpoint.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay shows a good command of coherence, maintaining a logical flow of ideas. However, it's important to make clearer distinctions between paragraphs and ensure each paragraph focuses on a singular main point. Use transitional phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and provide clear topic sentences for each paragraph.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and articulate the main points and the author's opinion. Still, these sections could be strengthened by providing a more detailed background and a stronger restatement of the main argument in the conclusion. A more engaging hook at the beginning could also enhance the impact of your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • interactive learning
  • tailored education
  • adaptive learning programs
  • distance learning
  • qualified teachers
  • immediate feedback
  • teaching methods
  • learning styles
  • social skills
  • balanced investment
  • modernize education
  • educational needs
  • emotional intelligence
What to do next:
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