IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, more and more adults are living with their parents after graduating from college, University or even after finding a job. Do the advantages of this outweigh disadvantages ?

#countries #adults #parents #college #university #job #outweigh
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Whether adults live with their families is a recurring argument.
This
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 writer argues that the benefits of saving money and taking
carr
Correct your spelling
care
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 of
parents
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 outweigh the drawbacks of
over depending
Add a hyphen
over-depending
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. The most advantageous factor of living with
parents
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 is that it allows
people
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 to save money for livelihood.
In other words
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,
due to
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 urbanization and inflation, the cost of living is reportedly increasing in
this
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 day and age.
Thus
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, living with
parents
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 can help
people
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 limit their expenditure on food or accommodation as
parents
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 will pay for these spendings.
As a result
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,
people
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 will have a large amount of possessions which is vital for their lives and future. Another point
should
Correct pronoun usage
that should
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also
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 be considered is
parents
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' healthcare. It must be recognised that
people
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 who live close to their
parents
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 can manage their
parents
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' diet
as well as
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 their health.
Furthermore
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, when
parents
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 have an accident
in
Change preposition
apply
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urgent
Change the word
urgently
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,
people
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 can immediately take their
parents
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 to the nearest hospital.
As a result
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,
parents
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 will be protected from illness and healthcare problems when they get older.
However
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, some
people
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 think that living
together with
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parents
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 will make
people
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 dependent on their
parents
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.
This
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 is because most
parents
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 want to control their children's lives to ensure they won't be naughty and make a wrong decision.
This
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 may be true but living with your
parents
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 will go a long in preventing you from social evils
as well as
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 when you encounter a problem, your
parents
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 will give you some useful advice because they have more valuable experience in solving the issues. Taking all points into account, the possible impact of depending too much on
parents
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is outweighed
Wrong verb form
outweighs
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 the benefits of saving money and looking after
parents
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.
Hence
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, living with
parents
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 after graduating from higher education or applying for an occupation is more beneficial for adults.
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coherence cohesion
Make sure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Your essay seems to have these components, but the conclusion can be clearer in summarizing the main points.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices (linking words) to connect ideas and paragraphs. While you do use some, try to include a greater variety for logical structuring.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points by supporting them with specific examples. You mentioned saving money and taking care of parents as advantages, so provide concrete examples or data to back these points up.
task achievement
Fully address the task by discussing both advantages and disadvantages. Ensure the response provides a balanced view by exploring both sides in equal measure, followed by a conclusion that reflects this balance.
task achievement
Express your ideas clearly and comprehensively. You've done this relatively well, but some sentences could be clearer. Avoid convoluted sentence structures to maintain clarity.
task achievement
Include more relevant specific examples to support your claims. While you've addressed the points, the examples given are somewhat vague and could be more detailed to enhance the response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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