IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbles and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this Information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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Nowadays, when prospective employees sign up for an open position in a company, oftentimes they are asked to fill down private data
such
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 as favourite activities and marital status. Some say
this
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 requirement is not needed,
while
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 others say
this
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 is necessary. In my opinion,
this
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 additional
information
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 is helpful, especially for the
recruiters
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.
This
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 essay will elaborate on both positions below. First of all, candidates think
this
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information
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 is not relevant to the hiring process. There is no guarantee they will be chosen for the position and jotting down so much private
information
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 is oversharing and a risky move.
For example
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 in Indonesia, curriculum vitae and private
information
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 people usually send to
recruiters
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 can be seen as used paper to wrap a snack on the street. On the other side, statuses like married, divorced, or single are important for the human relations officer to curate candidates that do not meet the user or management criteria.
Additionally
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, they need
this
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 data to calculate a projection of the prospective employee's family allowance. As for the hobbies and interests, the
recruiters
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 could get to know about a person's lifestyle and habits.
For instance
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, when a candidate says they like to browse short videos and play games, there is a possibility that
this
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 person is lazy and unmotivated.
To conclude
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, prospective candidates think
this
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 additional
information
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 is not required and could be completed later when they join the company.
While
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that is
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 true, in my opinion,
this
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 administration is important in helping employers curate a huge number of documents. Even so, I think the
recruiters
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 need to have the integrity to dispose of the rejected applicant's data responsibly.

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Introduction Enhancement
To bolster your essay, ensure that your introduction sets a clear foundation for the discussion. Introduce both views briefly before stating your opinion.
Main Point Development
Develop your main points with more detailed explanations and varied sentence structures to increase clarity and engagement.
Use of Examples
Support your views with concrete, relevant examples that are fully elaborated on. This not only strengthens your position but also shows a deep understanding of the topic.
Cohesion
Work on the logical progression of ideas, ensuring each paragraph flows coherently into the next with appropriate transition words or phrases.
Balance of Discussion
Aim for a balanced discussion of both views before presenting your own. Make sure that your essay reflects a thorough examination of the topic.
Conclusion
Conclude your essay by summarizing the main points and restating your opinion clearly. Avoid introducing new information in the conclusion.
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