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Writing Samples
Band 5

The use of social media such as Twitter and Facebook is replacing face-to-face contact for many people in their everyday life. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Social
media
Use synonyms
 has started to announce
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 domination in
this
Linking Words
 globalization era, challenging the face-to-face interaction
people
Use synonyms
 usually had in the past. Many
people
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 believe the existence of social
media
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such
Linking Words
 as Twitter and Facebook gives better advantages,
while
Linking Words
 some might argue on the downsides of it. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will elucidate
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why the benefits of social
media
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outweighs
Change the verb form
outweigh
show examples
 the drawbacks.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, social
media
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 has been assisting us to link with many other
people
Use synonyms
 on the internet and search for real-time
information
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.
For instance
Linking Words
,
to find
Change the verb form
finding
show examples
 and
socialize
Wrong verb form
socialising
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 with someone new is getting easier through
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Facebook's search engine. Socializing is exactly what we need in a world
depended
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dependent
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 on global collaboration.
In addition
Linking Words
, broadening up the circle of networks through
chatroom
Fix the agreement mistake
chatrooms
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 provided by each
platforms
Change to a singular noun
platform
show examples
 will
also
Linking Words
 reduce the hassle of having to meet directly.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it is very evident that social
media
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 like Twitter, often provide us a more real-time news than a newspaper can, which
ease
Correct subject-verb agreement
eases
show examples
 the job of many
people
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 world. In the end, as we enter the Internet of Things era,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
also
Linking Words
 pushes us to maximize the use of social
media
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, risks will always come along. Spreadness of
hoax
Fix the agreement mistake
hoaxes
show examples
 has been the main issue of social
media
Use synonyms
eclectic
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
use.
For instance
Linking Words
,
a real-time
Remove the article
real-time information
a piece of real-time information
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information
Use synonyms
spread
Wrong verb form
spreads
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 easily through
lot
Add an article
a lot
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 of parties, where a pinch of discrepancy from every person can lead to a vast misleading
information
Use synonyms
 in the end.
Hence
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, the government has countless attempts
in creating
Change preposition
to create
show examples
 policies to tackle
this
Linking Words
 one specific obstacle,
such
Linking Words
 as the UU ITE policy from
Correct article usage
the Indonesia
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Indonesia
Correct your spelling
Indonesian
show examples
 government.
Consequently
Linking Words
, we must pay
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
better attention to the spread of
information
Use synonyms
 on the internet. In conclusion, social
media
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 is very fruitful in threading networks and collaborations.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
hoax
Fix the agreement mistake
hoaxes
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 one of the biggest
issue
Change to a plural noun
issues
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, there is no other innovation which
bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
 bigger
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
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 than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
media
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear logical structure, with each paragraph having a clear main idea and cohesive devices linking those ideas effectively.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that the introduction clearly presents the topic and the writer's position, and that the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the writer's position.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with specific examples or further explanation to strengthen the arguments. While the essay provides examples, it could benefit from more detailed illustrations to each point made.
task achievement
Address the task fully by providing a balanced discussion of the advantages and disadvantages of social media, followed by a clearly stated opinion.
task achievement
Express ideas clearly and comprehensively, ensuring that your opinion on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages is unambiguous.
task achievement
Include relevant and specific examples to substantiate the arguments. While the essay references certain benefits and drawbacks, it can be made stronger with concrete examples like specific incidents or studies.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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