A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possesions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Consumerism has an essential impact on people's
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
, and so these days men and women
tended
Wrong verb form
tend
show examples
to be judged
according to
their financial status,
instead
of their honour,
generousy
Correct your spelling
generously
generosity
, and loyalty.
This
essay completely agrees with
this
idea, and
explain
Correct subject-verb agreement
explains
show examples
that today's individuals are likely to evaluate each other based on their belongings, rather than their personality. One of the reasons
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why people
interested
Add a missing verb
are interested
show examples
in
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
show examples
financial status
would be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
the effect of social media.
Rising
Correct article usage
The rising
show examples
prevalence of social media usage has been
trigerring
Correct your spelling
triggering
individual's material possesions. As many influencers enjoy showing off on Instagram, their followers believe their fake stories, and in order to feel like
a
Change the article
an
show examples
influencer or a celebrity, they buy anything they see online. Since they suppose, if they purchase what the other
ones'
Change noun form
ones
show examples
wear, they can be admitted as the same figure.
Hence
, they tend to focus on materials like shoes
of
Correct your spelling
or
show examples
jackets,
instead
of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personality.
As a result
, they are likely to build an idea related to themselves and
also
others, based on the clothes, cars, or the limit of credit cards. Unfortunately,
this
phenomenon may lead to neglect
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
importance of some features, like kindness or honour.
Secondly
, there is a fact that consumerism is supported by companies in order to support their profit. Many factories spend the majority of their income
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
advertising on TV, the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
, and
also
instagram
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Instagram
show examples
.
Due to
their aggressive advertising policies, teenagers are affected dramatically, and they want to have items, which were presented by ads. The more they
Add a missing verb
are addict
show examples
addict
Replace the word
addicted
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to
buy
Wrong verb form
buying
show examples
, the more they give importance to materials.
Therefore
, the only thing they look for has become
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
show examples
belongings,
instead
of personalities.
As a result
, kindness, loyalty, or honour tend to seem meaningless to some individuals, owing to their thinking path, which was damaged by adverts.
To conclude
, owing to the prevalence of social media and advertisement policies of companies may result in a transformation in people's attitudes, which is giving more importance to materials
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task achievement
Ensure you thoroughly address all parts of the task. While the essay provides a clear opinion, it could explore more contrasting views to demonstrate the ability to discuss both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to better guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your main points. Examples make your argument stronger and demonstrate a better understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Use diverse linking words and phrases to improve the cohesion between sentences and paragraphs.
other
Remember to proofread to correct grammatical errors and improve sentence structure for better clarity.
other
Try to vary sentence structure to add complexity and flow to your essay, as well as using a wider range of vocabulary.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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