IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

The picture shows the rates of smoking in Someland by men and women. Summerise key features and information where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

#picture #rates #someland #men #women #summerise #features #information
The line graph depicts information about the smoking
rates
 in Someland between 1960 and 2000, broken down into males and females. Units are measured per 1000 people.
Overall
, it is noticeable that the
rates
 of smoking by males have a downward trend
,
Remove the comma
apply
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while
 smoking
rates
 for females have an upward trajectory.
Moreover
, it is
also
 interesting to note that males have
the
Correct article usage
apply
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higher
rates
 than females over the period given. In 1960,
men
 had the highest
rates
 for more than
a
Correct article usage
apply
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half at 600 people compared to
women
 that had six times less at just 100 people. These numbers would
then
 continually decrease for
men
,
whereas
 the
rates
 for
women
 would increase consistently until
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the end of 1975. In the next twenty years, the rate of smoking for
men
 and
women
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 a bit different, achieving nearly 300 smokers for the former and about 240 smokers for the latter.
Finally
,
in
Change the preposition
at
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 the end of
period
Add an article
the period
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, both sexes contributed almost
in
Change preposition
at
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 the same
rates
Fix the agreement mistake
rate
show examples
 with 200 for
women
, and
men
 had a slight discrepancy at just under 210.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task achievement
Ensure that you provide more specific data and comparisons to support the trends described. This includes actual data points and percentages.
coherence cohesion
Develop your paragraphs with clear main ideas followed by supporting information. Make sure there is a logical progression between points.
coherence cohesion
Try to use a variety of conjunctions and cohesive devices to link ideas more effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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