IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The most important aim of science should be to improve people's live. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement

#aim #science #people
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Education plays an important role in
public's
Correct article usage
the public's
show examples
 development from time to time.
However
, since the 17th century, science has more and more improvement decade by decade. In
this
 essay, I will explain why I strongly agree with the statement that the main purpose of
discipline
 is to make humans live better.
Firstly
, natural art has become very helpful in increasing the number of healthy
family
Change to a plural noun
families
show examples
and their life longevity. Medical
discipline
 has provided many ways to cure some diseases or make a prevention way so
society
 can avoid illness.
For example
, children aged 3 to 5 are given an influenza vaccine so
for
Change preposition
that
show examples
 the next time they will not get affected by the influenza virus.
In addition
, with more advanced science and helped with technology, medical
discipline
 can save
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 who face dying.
Secondly
, social
discipline
also
 plays an integral part , especially in a rustic with freedom ideology. In a democratic rustic,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 makes a policy based on the conditions of the rustic at the moment and the history of the rustic.
For example
, Indonesia become a democratic rustic since 1998, the
government
 has made new policies that suit their
society
. They realized a dictator
government
 was really disliked by
crowd
Add an article
the crowd
show examples
 and it
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 be dangerous when
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 assembled did the demo. Since Indonesia become a democratic rustic,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and
society
 can collaborate and it has become more peaceful. All in all, I strongly agree education helped boost human life in a variety of aspects. Both natural and social sciences are very useful for improvement in public's lives. Neutral
discipline
 can help unhealthy family back to their good condition, prevent
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
disease with vaccines, and increase the longevity of human life. Social
discipline
 makes
society
 create a more peaceful rustic to live.
Submitted by writingielts0 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve the logical structure of your essay, focus on creating clear and distinct paragraphs each with a single main idea that is then developed further with explanations or examples. Transition words can help improve the flow between ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, they could be strengthened by more directly addressing the essay prompt in the introduction and summarizing the main arguments more clearly in the conclusion. This will give your essay a stronger focus and argumentative direction.
Task Achievement
The essay partially addresses the task, however, more emphasis should be placed on providing a direct response to the question asked rather than only discussing related points. Be sure to state your opinion clearly in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for maximum clarity and task achievement.
Task Achievement
To ensure clear and comprehensive ideas, expand your paragraphs further to fully develop your points. This means going beyond stating facts and instead exploring why these facts support your argument in relation to the prompt.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more relevant examples and make sure they directly support the main ideas. Be specific and ensure the link between the example and the point it supports is made explicitly clear.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • advancement
  • innovations
  • sustainability
  • renewable energy
  • biotechnology
  • quality of life
  • environmental issues
  • climate change
  • pollution
  • technological
  • efficiency
  • sustainable practices
  • food security
  • agricultural
  • crop yields
  • nutrition
  • economic development
  • industries
  • poverty reduction
  • education
  • knowledge dissemination
  • informed decision-making
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