IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that it is responsibility of individual to take care of their own health and diet. Others however believe that governments should make sure that their citizens have a healthy diet. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

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As entering the
21th
Change the ending
21st
show examples
 century with various options for diet,
individual's
Change noun form
individual
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 problems become
exacerbate
Wrong verb form
exacerbated
show examples
 globally. The argument about the duty of keeping people's
health
Use synonyms
 has continued: whether it is
individual's
Correct article usage
the individual's
show examples
 responsibility or the
government
Use synonyms
's.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine both perspectives and my opinion about the argument before a conclusion.
Firstly
Linking Words
, some deem that individuals should make
effort
Correct article usage
an effort
show examples
 to keep up their
health
Use synonyms
, and blaming other parties for their
health
Use synonyms
 issues does not make sense. Since a person is the only one who
know
Change the verb form
knows
show examples
 his/her condition correctly, it is admittedly to say that he/she
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to take appropriate actions if feeling that something is wrong.
For example
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, people who
live
Wrong verb form
have lived
show examples
 more than 100 years old say that
keys
Correct article usage
the keys
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 to staying
Use synonyms
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
Linking Words
such
Change preposition
for such
show examples
 a long time are not eating too much and ingesting healthy foods. They manage their conditions by themselves, not depending on someone else.
On the other hand
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, as individuals do not have professional knowledge
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 diet, it is the
government
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's responsibility
of announcing
Change preposition
to announce
show examples
 and
giving
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
 guidelines about it.
For instance
Linking Words
, students eat junk foods frequently
unawaring its
Verb problem
unaware of their
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 badness for their
health
Use synonyms
, because they did not have proper education about nutrition.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is crucial for the
government
Use synonyms
 to inform the right nutritional information and the
harmness
Correct your spelling
harms
hardness
harmless
 of
junk
Add an article
the junk
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 food
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public to avoid
health
Use synonyms
 problems.
To sum up
Linking Words
, some believe that choosing food for one's
health
Use synonyms
 is up to
individual
Add an article
the individual
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 others assert that the
government
Use synonyms
 should be fully engaged in the dietary problem of
individuals'
Change noun form
individuals
show examples
. I think on balance that the
government
Use synonyms
 should educate people to improve their ability to take healthier
diet
Fix the agreement mistake
diets
show examples
.

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task achievement
Ensure a clear opinion is provided in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion for a stronger position on the topic. While the opinion was eventually provided, it could be more clearly stated from the beginning.
task achievement
Use a wider range of vocabulary to convey precise meaning and avoid repetition of words like 'health' and 'diet'.
coherence cohesion
Include more complex structures and vary sentence beginnings to show a range of language skills.
coherence cohesion
Work on paragraphing to ensure each main idea is clearly separated and elaborated on within its own paragraph. This structure aids in the logical progression of your argument.
task achievement
Support your arguments with a wider range of examples and evidence. While some examples were given, more specific and varied ones would strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Check for typographical errors, such as '21th' which should be '21st', 'exacerbate' which should be 'exacerbated', and 'harmness' which isn't a standard English word; consider using 'harm' or 'detrimental effects'. Careful proofreading can avoid these mistakes.
coherence cohesion
Consider using linking words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Make sure to evenly discuss both views before giving your opinion to completely address all parts of the task.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • personal autonomy
  • self-discipline
  • nutrition
  • public health campaigns
  • regulations
  • socio-economic factors
  • dietary habits
  • food industry
  • public health initiatives
  • junk food advertising
  • subsidies
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