IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2

A gift (such as a camera, a soccer ball, or an animal) can contribute to a child's development. What gift would you give to help a child develop? Why? Use reasons and specific examples to support your choice.

#gift #camera #soccer #ball #child #development #support #choice
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The provided line graph depicts how the ownership of electrical appliances and
amount
Correct article usage
the amount
show examples
 of time spent doing housework changed over a period of 99
years
 starting from 1920.
Overall
,
it is clear that
 there was a steady increase in the proportion of household appliances
while
 the opposite was true
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the hours spent doing housework per week. The percentage of electrical households reached the lowest point during the year 1920. 0 for
refrigerator
Fix the agreement mistake
refrigerators
show examples
, 30% for vacuum
cleaner
Fix the agreement mistake
cleaners
show examples
,
40
Correct word choice
and 40
show examples
% for washing
machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
show examples
. And started to rise drastically. The year 1980 witnessed a dramatic increase to 100% in the proportion of refrigerators and remained stable 2
years
 after
while
 vacuum stayed unchanged 20
years
 later than froze, at around 100%. There was
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 instability in the percentage of washing machines through the
years
 1980 until 2000 and it increased slightly to 75% in early 2019. From 1920 to 1980, there was a dramatic decline in the amount of time used doing
housework’s
Change noun form
housework
show examples
, from 50% to 15%.
Submitted by igbalalfariezy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay you provided does not address the topic that was given for the IELTS task. It is important to stay on topic and respond directly to the task provided. Consider rewriting the essay to address the prompt about which gift you would give to help a child develop and why.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay does not follow a logical progression in relation to the specified IELTS task. For coherence and cohesion, you should organize the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that elaborate the main points with examples, and a conclusion that summarizes your points and restates your main argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: