The government should sometimes infringe on people's freedom for the security of society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Presently, it is getting more prevalent among governments to
inturrupt
the Correct your spelling
interrupt
freedom
of certain people to ensure the security of others. It is my contention that limiting the liberty of people could be necessary in rare circumstances to prevent atrocities from taking place, meanwhile
it is Add a comma
meanwhile,
also
possible to uphold to
Change preposition
apply
this
protection by taking some precautionary measures that does
not yield Change the verb form
do
the
basic human rights.
First and Correct article usage
apply
formost
, Correct your spelling
foremost
for most
the
national security is treated as one of the utmost prioritized attributes by countries even if it does mean Correct article usage
apply
to compromise
the Change the verb form
compromising
freedom
of their citizens. Governments encounter dozens of foreign threats on a daily basis and some of them are vicious ones that can lead them to a calamity such
as a terror act. As we live on the edge of technology, the cyberthreats
are rising substantially, resulting in Correct your spelling
cyber threats
loss
of important digital and physical assets like data. Consequentially, governments put in huge efforts Correct article usage
the loss
on limiting
Change preposition
to limit
the
internet access and spy on the social profiles of their citizens to detect and identify potential threats that may be evaluated Correct article usage
apply
as
a national Change preposition
at
securityl
level. To illustrate, intelligence organizations are rigorously violating Correct your spelling
security
privacy
Correct article usage
the privacy
freedom
of an entire population by listening to their phone conversations, looking for a potential Correct word choice
and freedom
key word
to detect Correct your spelling
keyword
a
next Correct article usage
the
attact
on their government.
Correct your spelling
attack
Conversely
, I also
believe that there are still alternative solutions that can be implemented so that national safety can be maintained without compromising the freedom
of right
. Fix the agreement mistake
rights
Furthermore
, the ability to infringe upon certain individuals' freedom
is not limited to a sole purpose, but rather they take it to a
next level by utilising Correct article usage
the
this
power to mass control humanity, stealing propriatery
information and selling it to the business conglomerates to market their products. Correct your spelling
proprietary
For example
, a former CIA agent exposed how the USA
government is using its satellites to gather personal information in order to push Correct your spelling
US
their
agenda forward by manipulating humans.
In conclusion, whilst sometimes it may be crucial to intervene Correct pronoun usage
its
the
Change preposition
in the
freedom
of suspicious individuals to ensure national safety, it can also
be used as a tool to take people's freedom
away.Submitted by orkhanshamil on
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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, ensure that each paragraph clearly introduces the key idea at the start and then presents information in a logical order that supports that idea, without deviation.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and they establish and summarize the essay's argument, respectively. However, make sure that they are both more explicit about your position on the topic for greater clarity.
coherence cohesion
While main points are supported, strive for more depth in your arguments with additional examples or explanations to fully develop each main idea.
task achievement
Your response to the task is complete, but work on more clearly articulating and developing your own views in relation to the statement given, to ensure that task response is comprehensive.
task achievement
Your ideas are relevant and somewhat clear, but to achieve higher scores, you must ensure that each paragraph unambiguously presents and elaborates on a single main idea.
task achievement
The use of specific examples is good, but ensure that they are directly instrumental in illustrating your argument to make them even more effective in supporting your position.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.